“Dr. Jeff, but where will he go? I can’t put him out on the street.”

Those were the words I heard in a parent coaching session last week. Let’s elaborate with a few fictional examples:

“Ava,” 27, has been living with her parents after losing several jobs. When they discuss a timeline to move forward toward greater independence, her mother immediately imagines Ava sleeping in her car.

Then there’s Joe, who is behind on his rent again. His dad, Sal, has covered it three times this year. Each time Sal decides this will be the last, the same thing stops him: “I can’t let my son become homeless.”

Now, let’s look at Tammi, who lives at home, contributes very little, and becomes furious when her mother brings up work or any significant responsibilities, for that matter. Stacy, Tammi’s mom, wants things to change, but asking Tammi to leave feels unthinkable to her.

I don’t think these parents are a bit foolish, but they are a lot scared. In fact, this fear of homelessness can become one of the most powerful forces keeping parents stuck in rescuing.

When Helping Becomes the Only Option

Most parents understandably don’t want their adult child sleeping in their car, staying at a shelter, couch surfing, or wondering where they will spend the night. So they help by paying another month’s rent, or they cover that overdue electric bill. Or they really cave and allow the adult child to move home with no expectations, or expectations that are said with a hollow ring. Yes, sometimes, plain and simple, that assistance is exactly what the adult child needs. And, yes, a temporary safety net can provide a little breathing room after a job loss, breakup, illness, or setback.

The problems begin when the parent’s fear makes continued rescuing feel like the only acceptable choice. This is usually driven by parents getting into catastrophic thinking, such as “If I don’t pay this bill, he’ll lose his apartment,” or “If I don’t give her the money, she will end up homeless.” Yes, these bad outcomes could come to pass, but when paying the bill no longer feels like a choice and instead feels like an obligation—fueled by the adult child’s sense of entitlement, which often has underlying shame—we are no longer in emotionally healthy territory.

When Parents Get Caught in the Rescue Trap

My recent book, The Rescue Trap: How Well-Meaning Parents Keep Their Adult Children Stuck, explains that parents caught in this trap aren’t weak or incapable of setting limits. The reason they get caught is that their anxiety gets the best of them as they vividly imagine what might happen if they don’t step in. Let’s be clear one more time: I am not against helping struggling adult children. But preventing every painful consequence can have messy, unintended effects. Specifically, the adult child may have fewer reasons to tolerate discomfort, solve problems, accept less-than-ideal housing (This is a huge one, by the way!), seek available assistance, or make other difficult changes.

Yes, Compassion and Boundaries Can Coexist

There is no doubt that there are situations such as genuine housing insecurity, mental health issues, economic hardship, and active addictions that can make your adult child’s road to independence feel more complicated. But as a parent, ask yourself: “Am I helping my child move forward with some accountability, or am I mainly preventing myself from feeling the anxiety of watching them struggle?” Sometimes the answer may be more uncomfortable than you want to hear. The goal is neither to care less nor carry them more at the cost of understanding (and experiencing) a healthy relationship with the value of the dollar.

As a parent, don’t confuse being a safety net with your adult child being unaware that they still have a role to play in their own safety system.