Most police officers will tell you that domestic disputes are among the most dangerous calls they answer. In a similar way, most therapists—myself included—would say that couples counseling is one of the most challenging and unpredictable forms of therapy we provide.
After decades in the field, I’ve learned that couples therapy comes with unique pitfalls that can derail progress before it even begins. Here are a few of the most common traps couples fall into when they walk through the therapy door.
1. “Why Are We Here?” Syndrome
It’s common for only one partner to genuinely want counseling. The other may be attending because of an ultimatum, a sense of obligation, or simply to be able to say, “We tried everything.”
When one person is invested and the other is simply complying, therapy becomes a lopsided experience. Not only does this lower the chance of success, it can actually create new problems in the relationship.
2. “It’s Not Me, It’s You” Syndrome
Even though we all know you can’t change another person, partners often enter counseling with that exact mission. Sessions can quickly devolve into exchanges of blame, complete with well‑prepared lists of past grievances.
When the focus is on fixing the other person, sessions turn into rounds of attack and defend—leaving partners more resentful than when they arrived.
3. “We Don’t Communicate” Syndrome
It always fascinates me when couples that disagree on nearly everything suddenly agree on one thing: “Our biggest problem is communication.”
This goal feels safer, less threatening, and more manageable than digging into deeper emotional pain. But in reality, most couples do communicate frequently: yelling, arguing, withdrawing, crying, eye‑rolling—these all count. The real issue is often not talking but truly listening. One or both partners may have stopped caring enough to hear the other.
Does Couples Counseling Even Work?
The honest answer is that it can help, but it can sometimes harm. It depends on how the couple enters the process.
Couples that arrive unclear, exhausted, or hoping therapy will magically fix old wounds often leave disappointed. But with a skilled therapist, couples counseling can help repair even deeply damaged relationships.
Drawing from the work of David Burns, detailed in his book, Feeling Good Together, I use the “divide and conquer” approach, and frequently recommend that couples begin with individual sessions before working together. Here’s why:
- You can’t “unhear” things said in joint sessions.
- Individual therapy provides clarity.
- It uncovers unresolved issues.
- It offers a safe place to rehearse reactions.
There is an adage in couples work that every relationship contains three types of problems: my problems, your problems, and our problems. But identifying these categories can be nearly impossible when emotions run high.
A healthier mindset—and one reason individual work is so powerful—is to assume that all relationship struggles are my problems. This restores agency, responsibility, and growth.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.