I recently heard a Buddhist monk say that it’s important to realize that you, as a human, have choices. In the Buddhist tradition, which believes in reincarnation, being human puts you in a unique position: Compared to other forms of life, we alone have the freedom to choose, whereas animals—because of limited intelligence or limited control over their everyday lives—do not. But while the ability to choose may be a gift, it also comes with responsibility and meaning—you are the creator of your choices, and you alone decide their rationale or purpose.

But this triad of choice, responsibility, and meaning is emphasized not only in the Buddhist tradition but also in Western thought, especially in the schools of existentialism and logotherapy, both of which define a path to a good life. Here are some ways to integrate these ideas into your life.

Existentialism: Choice and Responsibility

Jean-Paul Sartre, perhaps the most famous figure of existentialism, was also famous for declining the Nobel Prize in Literature. While he had several intellectual reasons for his decision, his behavior, above all, reflects his existential philosophy—namely, sidestepping the socially expected, more passive decision to accept the honor, and instead actively choosing to turn it down, after deciding how acceptance fits with his values.

This notion of not just doing the expected without considering your own freedom, not just running on autopilot, is different from how many of us lead our lives. Most of the couples and families in my practice act as if they are victims of their lifestyle—complaining that they don’t have any couple time because they are so busy with children or jobs, and that their weekends are endless to-do lists and obligations they should trudge through and get done. My response is usually that these are choices they are making—to go, for example, to ten soccer games rather than carving out more couple or family time. The existentialist point here is that you cannot not choose; you may feel like a victim, but that is a byproduct of the choices you’ve made. You need to take ownership.

One of the benefits of being an adult is that choice brings power. This is the point of our Buddhist monk: We have the power that a draft horse, or even an eight-year-old child, does not. But many clients I see abdicate this power, avoid making firm choices about what they truly need and want because they fear offending others, feel guilty for not doing the right thing, get caught up in only doing what they “should,” or can’t set boundaries. They do not see these as choices, and so they feel powerless.

Logotherapy: Responsibility and Meaning

Logotherapy, developed by Viktor Frankl, is an offshoot of existentialism. Frankl, a German psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, countered Freud’s notion that we are driven by pleasure with the idea that we are driven by a need to find meaning. Like the existentialist, he emphasizes action; his most famous book, for example, is titled Man’s Search for Meaning rather than, say, Man and Meaning.

For Frankl, meaning is discovered by engaging in our lives with awareness. Events in our lives are essentially neutral, and it is we who give them meaning through our attitudes, assumptions, and the story we tell ourselves as events unfold. Like existentialists who say we cannot not choose, Frankl would say we cannot not attach meaning. And like the existentialists, choice and responsibility come into play because we are the creators of the stories we tell ourselves.

The notion that our reality is shaped by the lens through which we choose to look eventually became a foundation for both positive and cognitive-behavioral psychology. If you change the lens, you change your perceptions: your partner isn’t being critical and nagging but is worried about what you’re about to do; your child isn’t being defiant but is anxious and needs support or guidance. You can change the meaning, and when you do, you change your emotions, which in turn can change your behavior. And by changing your behavior, you can break the dysfunctional cycle that is creating the problem.

Where Does This Leave Us?

The theme here is that you have more power than you probably think; that you create your own reality every moment, every day, through the choices you make; that you have more options than you envision; and that your life doesn’t need to run on autopilot.

So, give up the have-tos, the shoulds, and the I-had-no-choice way of thinking. Realize that you are a creator and that you can ultimately create the life you want.

So, how do you want your life to be?