Some domestic abusers provoke their target, inciting a strong response. They secretly record the victim’s reaction. Then they use the recordings to claim the victim is the abuser and gain the upper hand in court. They may even get the court to grant a protective order against their victim, or highly problematic mutual protective orders.

Here’s an example: Gary often humiliated Sandra and pushed her into unwanted sex. He would back her into a corner and verbally abuse her for hours. And sometimes Sandra responded in ways that she now regrets—shouting at Gary, throwing things, and slamming doors in frustration. She separated from him to protect herself and the children from Gary’s outbursts and coercive control. She was shocked when Gary filed for a protective order, claiming that she had abused him. He used recordings that he had secretly made as evidence against her. He showed edited video clips to neighbors, family, and friends. He tried to make people believe that Sandra was a crazy abuser and that he was an innocent victim. He was able to persuade a judge to limit Sandra’s access to the children to supervised visits, even though she had been the primary parent. She missed months of her children’s lives while this sorted itself out in court.

Gary had “flipped the story.” Jennifer Freyd (2025) called this DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This is a particularly vicious form of gaslighting.

Here’s another example: Randall beat Maria frequently, even while she was pregnant. She stayed because she was too afraid to leave and wanted her son to grow up with his father. The day after a brutal beating, Randall came up behind Maria while she was cutting vegetables and taunted her. She turned around with the knife in her hand, cursed at Randall, and told him that he’d better back off and leave her alone. Her eyes were full of fury. A week later, she sought police protection. A forensic nurse exam found evidence of strangulation and other bruises. A detective interviewed Randall, who showed him the video of Maria with the knife in her hand. The district attorney filed misdemeanor domestic violence charges against both Maria and Randall. In this instance, clearly Randall was the predominant abuser. But the recording of Maria’s strong reaction was used against her.

Help Survivors Protect Themselves From Being Tricked

Increasingly, domestic abusers rely on recordings to claim that their abuse victims are actually the predominant aggressors or unfit parents. This is a form of gaslighting. Gaslighting refers to denying reality and making the other person feel crazy or seem crazy to others (Sweet, 2019). This strategy allows the abuser to control the narrative in the legal system. Often domestic abuse victims end up having to defend their reputations in court. The court proceedings focus on what the victim has allegedly done wrong rather than on what the perpetrator has actually done wrong. Victims may even begin to question whether they were responsible for the abuser because they didn’t always respond as the “perfect victim.”

If you have a client who is a domestic abuse victim, here are ways they can protect themselves from this trickery:

1. Avoid Reacting Violently: Domestic violence victims may react strongly to protect themselves or because they simply cannot bear the psychological pressure. They may push or threaten the abuser, or say things that are hateful or problematic. While this is understandable, it can get them in trouble. It feeds into the abuser’s plan. It would be far better to find a way out before the situation escalates to the point where they might get provoked and recorded doing something violent.
2. Stay Calm: Keep in mind that abusers will use anything their victims do or say against them. Victims should try not to allow themselves to be provoked into words or actions that they will regret. They need to keep this in mind in person, on call, and when texting, chatting or emailing. The gray rock technique works for some people.
3. Ungaslight Yourself: Writing down thought traps, engaging in positive self-talk, seeking community and psychotherapy, and learning about post-separation abuse can all help a person avoid future incidents of provoking and recording.
4. Collect Evidence: Any of the following can help in a legal case for protection, divorce, or child custody: photographs of bruises, holes in walls or doors, or objects that the abuser has broken; and copies of texts or emails, especially if these contain lies, intimidation, or threats. There may also be records that demonstrate financial abuse and pediatric or school records that show who is the primary parent. If safe, the victim should keep a journal of the abuse and send it to someone or store it in a computer cloud that the abuser absolutely cannot access. When victims seek medical care for injuries, that paper trail may be important, even if they are not able to be fully open about the source of their injuries.
5. Seek Help and Make a Safe Exit Strategy: Local domestic violence agencies can help survivors make a safety plan and obtain a protective order, if they wish.
6. Report the Abuse: People fail to report abuse to the police for many reasons, including fear, love for the abuser, economic dependence, and not wanting to harm the parent of their children. However, when domestic abuse victims fail to file police reports or fail to file for orders of protection, they leave themselves open to false claims by the abuser about who is hurting whom. This is a special problem in cases of child custody.

Unfortunately, many psychotherapists, police officers, judges and others don’t understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. This is especially true when the abuse is based on coercive and controlling behavior without physical violence (Fontes, 2015). No matter what domestic abuse victim/survivors do—the abuse will likely escalate, and victim/survivors and their children will suffer. This is true whether they comply, respond with rage, or suffer in silence. Abusers will weaponize anything and everything a victim/survivor does against them. The pressure cooker that is domestic abuse causes some survivors to act in ways which are “not like” them. Any of us could be pushed to a limit where we do or say things that are unlike us. Responding harshly to provocations does not make a person an abuser.

The individual suggestions here are not enough. The legal, law enforcement, and mental health systems need to be changed so survivors are believed. A ten-second recording of a survivor behaving defensively or “badly” should not be enough to alter her life course and the lives of her children.

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