The narcissistic ego plays a central role in retaliation. Let’s look at what we mean by the mindset called “inflated ego” and how it more specifically coincides with the choice to retaliate.

A healthy ego can be described as a feature of the executive function of our brain. This is the part of us that thinks rationally, assesses accurately, acts responsibly, fulfills our life goals, speaks assertively, builds effective relationships, protects the rights of ourselves and others, and has healthy self-esteem. Its favorite sport is creating harmony.

Retaliation is the favorite sport of the narcissistic ego. That ego is a mindset we cultivate and empower over the years. Egotists are not fun—or safe—to be around because they:

• Think only of themselves
• Do whatever promotes their own sense of superiority, benefit, or advancement
• Feel compelled to be in control
• Feel justified in acting aggressively or dishonestly to get their own way
• Feel entitled to be honored by others without having to honor them in return
• Can’t stand being bested or crossed in any way
• Can’t receive feedback or criticism
• Engage in projection without foundation: “You are the one with the big ego!”
• Can’t say “I’m sorry” and don’t see any need to, no matter how they may have hurt others
• Permanently hold grudges against someone who has offended them
• Refuse to make amends to anyone
• Believe that others owe them, but they owe no one
• Can’t be called on any of the above

This list also describes the mindset of retaliation. It is precisely the sense of entitlement that convinces such an ego that it has the right and obligation to exact revenge. The arrogant ego loves to feel triumphant over anyone who dares to cross or wrong it. Being able to feel the reward of retaliation gives such an ego its sense of power, which is ultimately illusory because it is the street-bully version of power. The saying “Power corrupts” also refers to revenge that corrupts our hearts: revenge corrupts; endless revenge corrupts endlessly.

To the narcissistic ego, losing face feels like losing control, being weak, and an insult to its entitlement. To save face—that is, to save ego by retaliating—restores the ego’s sense of being back in control. Retaliating, however, proves to be an unskillful form of controlling. “Unskillful” is more than unsuitable; it is also ineffective—and the ego can’t stand being powerless. The skillful practice is to disarm the ego and invest its powers into forming a healthy ego, one that acts cooperatively and generously. That is the mindset of self-giving rather than self-serving.

Our doctor performs a procedure that hurts. Yet we do not retaliate but take it in stride. So we know we can experience pain from someone without having to retaliate. But when the pain is also an affront to our ego, then we hit back.

Some ego-driven people perform acts of revenge with deadly force. Duels, blood feuds, gang paybacks, honor killings, and war are violent rituals played out over the centuries that still happen today. They are ego-restoring in the euphemism of defending honor—that is, saving the inflated ego from the deflating it actually needs.

We also notice in these violent rituals that, for some people, the assertion and defense of the ego is more important than their very lives. Indeed, for some people in history, and even today, successful revenge is worth dying for. We can see here that the ego’s obligation to exact revenge is a disability.

A big ego certainly has no place in healthy relationships; it prohibits intimacy altogether. But there is a place for a swaggering ego. Rory McIlroy, the Irish golf pro, put it this way in comments he made at a Phoenix Open: “You know, I need that cockiness, the self-belief, arrogance, swagger, whatever you want to call it. I need that on the course to bring the best out of myself. So, you know, once I leave the golf course, that all gets left there.”

Can the “I” of a fear-based ego loosen up so that a love-based I can emerge?

This post was adapted from the book Sweeter than Revenge: Overcoming Your Payback Mind (Shambhala, 2025).