All posts tagged: Spouse

Can You Love Your Spouse but Want a Divorce?

Can You Love Your Spouse but Want a Divorce?

Published by Jenni Sidey

Not every person who comes to me for a divorce does so because they despise their spouse. There are always those who tell me, in no uncertain terms, that they love their spouse and that’s why they’re leaving them. Or that’s why they decided together to end their marriage. These are the divorces that are often misunderstood by those who witness them from outside the relationship. Counterintuitive, for sure, but there are reasons why you can love your spouse but still want a divorce. Needs Continue to Go Unmet One of the quickest paths to feeling lonely in a marriage is not having your needs met. Unmet needs can be emotional, physical, or both. If, for example, your spouse doesn’t communicate well or is simply uninterested in your feelings, whether about the relationship or something you are experiencing unrelated to it, you can feel unsatisfied by the quality of your interactions. Additionally, not feeling supported at home, such as when gender roles are imbalanced and one spouse is doing all the housework and household planning …

When Your Cofounder Is Also Your Spouse

When Your Cofounder Is Also Your Spouse

Published by Jenni Sidey

They were six months into their startup when the arguments started bleeding. A tense product meeting on Tuesday showed up at dinner as biting remarks and avoided eye contact. A difficult conversation about household responsibilities on Sunday showed up Monday morning as reduced trust in each other’s judgment. They couldn’t quite tell anymore whether they were fighting as spouses or business partners. Increasingly, it didn’t seem to matter. This is the defining challenge for married cofounders I coach. It’s not the workload, the equity split, or the market risk; it’s that two high-stakes relationships now share the same nervous system. Dr. Noam Wasserman’s research found that teams with pre-existing social relationships are less stable than teams of strangers, with each additional social relationship in a founding team raising the likelihood of a cofounder departure by roughly 30 percent (Wasserman, 2013). For married couples, this compounds because the business and marriage become mutually dependent on each other’s health. When one struggles, the other follows. While that’s not a reason to avoid building a company with your …

Dementia risk is higher for people whose spouse develops the disease, study finds

Dementia risk is higher for people whose spouse develops the disease, study finds

Published by Daniella Wilson

Get the Well Enough newsletter with Harry Bullmore for tips on living a healthier, happier and longer life Get the Well Enough email with Harry Bullmore Get the Well Enough email with Harry Bullmore Partners do not simply grow old together, they often grow more alike. Decades of shared routines, environments and experiences leave couples with increasingly similar health profiles, a pattern long recognised for obesity, diabetes and heart disease and stroke. Could dementia now belong on that list? A new nationwide study from Taiwan suggests the answer is yes – but not for the reason many headlines might imply. Decades of shared routines, environments and experiences leave couples with increasingly similar health profiles, a pattern long recognised for obesity, diabetes and heart disease and stroke (Getty Images) The shadow of shared lives In this study involving almost one million married adults, researchers found that when one spouse developed dementia, the other was significantly more likely to receive the same diagnosis. This observation itself is not entirely new. Smaller studies have reported similar findings over …

Does my spouse get half of everything in a divorce?

Does my spouse get half of everything in a divorce?

Published by Sam Flores

Dear Liz: My wife recently asked for a divorce, which was difficult to hear. That said, I want to move forward with my life and part of this is being on sound economic footing. I have been the primary earner in our marriage for most of our 12 years together, even though my wife was capable of working full time. Since we live in California, does she get 50% of everything, including money I had prior to our marriage? And if I originally put in only one-third of the down payment on our house, am I only eligible for one-third of the appreciation, or do I get half? Answer: Even in community property states such as California, assets acquired before marriage are typically considered separate property. Assets acquired during the marriage, however, are generally split 50/50. If you can trace your down payment back to your separate property, you may be able to get a reimbursement for that amount before the remaining equity is split between you. Your attorney can offer further guidance. Dear Liz: …

A birthday gift for a spouse with dementia brings unexpected joy : NPR

A birthday gift for a spouse with dementia brings unexpected joy : NPR

Published by Sam Flores

My wife’s birthday was a few weeks away. Should I buy her a present? The reason I asked that question is that my wife has dementia. She is now in a stage where she cannot summon up words, where she doesn’t always seem to respond to my visits. And even if I were to tell her that her birthday was coming up, there was no way to know if she could understand what I was saying. In the first years after her diagnosis she was aware of events like her birthday. And as a loving hubby I’d get her a gift — earrings and scarves are two of her favorite things. I long ago gave up on clothing because it was hard to figure out if a garment would be a good fit unless she were to try it on. I used to get her CDs as well from some of her favorite artists. I think she really does love Bob Dylan more than she loves me! And books I knew she’d like — the …

7 Tricks to Disarm a Contrarian Spouse or Partner

7 Tricks to Disarm a Contrarian Spouse or Partner

Published by Jenni Sidey

If you have ever told your spouse or partner, “Y’know, it feels like you debate everything I say,” and they responded, “No, I don’t,” you may have felt as if you were trapped in a verbal Escher painting. Some people seem to take a tad too much pleasure in contradicting or at least qualifying whatever we say. These people are sometimes referred to as contrarians, and it can be challenging and even disagreeable to be committed to them in long-term relationships. Most of us assume that there are infinite ways that people can respond during conversations; however, I believe that conversational dynamics tend to fall into patterns. During my 18 years of private practice as a psychotherapist and interacting with thousands of students, I’ve observed that people have default responses with clear motivations: to connect with, comfort, or contradict other people. Firstly, the human mind has a negativity bias, and my personal philosophical belief is that people subconsciously search for supposed “truth” or accuracy by coming to a synthesis of disparate viewpoints. Attributed to 18th-century …

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Published by Jenni Sidey

Source: JD Mason / Unsplash If you’ve decided that you want to initiate a divorce, but you haven’t talked to your spouse yet, these tips will help you prepare. Make sure you feel certain you want to proceed with divorce before you talk to your spouse. Bringing up the idea of divorce when you are not certain may crack the foundation of your marriage and result in your spouse unilaterally proceeding with divorce as a defensive move. Once you’re ready to tell your spouse you want to end the marriage, keep these eight things in mind: Assess your safety. If you are in an abusive relationship or your spouse has ever been violent or volatile, make sure you have a safety plan. This may involve telling your spouse in front of another trusted person or having a safe place to go immediately after you break the news. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships. Choose the right time and place. There will never be a perfect moment to bring up …

5 Ways To Stay In A Good Place Mentally When Your Spouse Is Being A Big Bummer | Nicola Beer

5 Ways To Stay In A Good Place Mentally When Your Spouse Is Being A Big Bummer | Nicola Beer

Published by Jenni Sidey

As a marriage counselor, I tend to help people feel better by supporting them to create a strong sense of purpose in their lives by finding something they are passionate about. Often, when you have dedicated your life to your marriage and children, you may lose yourself.  The consequences of being lost in life are loneliness and negativity. I know because I’ve been there. And if you are the one who’s being a big bummer in your marriage, my heart also goes out to you. But when you can refocus on your own needs and stay in a good place mentally, your spouse and relationship will see benefits as well. Here are five ways to stay in a good place mentally when your spouse is being a big bummer: 1. Avoid using negative emotions to connect Often, to communicate and connect with our loved ones, we match their emotions. For example, if your partner is annoyed at something, you mirror it to get on the same wavelength. The problem is that we compromise our own …