If you’ve decided that you want to initiate a divorce, but you haven’t talked to your spouse yet, these tips will help you prepare. Make sure you feel certain you want to proceed with divorce before you talk to your spouse. Bringing up the idea of divorce when you are not certain may crack the foundation of your marriage and result in your spouse unilaterally proceeding with divorce as a defensive move. Once you’re ready to tell your spouse you want to end the marriage, keep these eight things in mind:

1. Assess your safety. If you are in an abusive relationship or your spouse has ever been violent or volatile, make sure you have a safety plan. This may involve telling your spouse in front of another trusted person or having a safe place to go immediately after you break the news. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships.
2. Choose the right time and place. There will never be a perfect moment to bring up divorce, but certain times are better than others. Have the conversation in a private setting and avoid high-stress times. If you have children, make sure they can’t hear your conversation.
3. Be calm and kind. Try to avoid announcing your intention to divorce in the middle of an argument or in a reactive way. Instead, approach the conversation when you feel calm. Be caring, honest, and compassionate while still upholding your needs. How you tell your spouse you want a divorce can set the tone for the legal proceedings ahead. “I know this may come as a surprise, but I have done a lot of thinking, and I’d like to get a divorce” is going to be more effective than lashing out in the middle of an argument, “That’s it! I’m done! It’s over, get out!”
4. Keep the focus on what you need rather than what your spouse has done. If you create a list of what your spouse has done wrong, you invite argument. Instead, talk about yourself and your needs. Your spouse can’t argue with your feelings (though they may try). “I’m lonely in our marriage, and I don’t feel like my emotional and physical needs are being met” is more effective than “You never talk to me, you’re never affectionate, you clearly don’t care about me.”
5. Stand firm on your resolve. Don’t try to convince your spouse that this is a good idea or something you’re doing to make their life better. You will likely receive pushback, but try to avoid getting into an argument about your decision. You are not asking for permission; you are stating your intention. It may be helpful to say, “I know this isn’t what you want, but it is what I want.” Getting married takes two willing partners, but getting divorced only takes one.
6. Be prepared for an emotional response. Your spouse will likely have an emotional reaction to your news. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings or attempt to negotiate in this heightened emotional state. This is not the time to figure out finances, parenting plans, or living arrangements. That comes later. You may want to give your spouse space, and saying something like, “I can see how angry and upset you are. I am going to take a walk while you calm down, and we can return to this later,” may give you both a needed break after you have delivered your news.
7. Use your powers of prediction. You know your spouse better than anyone and will likely be able to predict how they are going to react. Plan in advance for this.

8. Plan for afterward. This conversation will likely be highly emotional and stressful. Make sure you have a plan for yourself when the conversation ends. Meeting up with a friend or having an appointment with your therapist to debrief your conversation will help you to process whatever you are feeling.

   This is an excerpt from my new book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.