Apologies grease the wheels of most successful relationships. The art of delivering a sincere and well-timed apology is one that all of us should be very skilled at.

The obvious trigger situation for an apology is when you realize that you have done something that has hurt someone you care about. Even if your action was not intended to hurt or you were not aware of how it would affect the other person, an apology is still in order.

To apologize successfully, you need to have a solid “platform of self-worth” to stand on in order to not collapse into shame. The more self-worth you have, the more you can handle the ego blow—because admitting mistakes does not make you a doomed or despicable person. Just an imperfect one.

An effective apology requires four distinct elements to make it more likely to be well-received (which is, after all, the point of the apology in the first place).

Doing It Right

1. The Basic Statement: “I’m sorry.” No rationalizations, no excuses, no hedging. Just a simple statement that you are sorry and what you are sorry for having done. It could be big or very minor, it doesn’t matter.

Start by describing exactly what you did wrong, then just acknowledge that this was a mistake. Accept responsibility:

• I’m really sorry I started teasing you in front of your friends.
• I feel terrible for having that affair and I am really, really sorry for how I have hurt you!
• Sorry I forgot to make that bill payment.

Remember to keep the “but” out of your apology: A “but” might sound like this: I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you weren’t listening to me. Just stick with I’m sorry I yelled at you. This signals a rationalization, an excuse, and a focus on the other person’s behaviors.

While often your partner may have pieces to apologize for, a true apology only focuses on your behaviors. Take ownership of your part, find out how it impacted the other person, and begin to repair.

2. Demonstration of Insight: You need to offer the other person some evidence that you have learned something, or that there was some temporary circumstance that will not happen again, or at least that you will really be on guard against it the next time around:

• I think I was just feeling insecure, and this was some sort of way to make jokes and fit in! I won’t let that happen again
• There’s no excuse—it had everything to do with me and feeling like I’m not getting enough attention. I wish there was some way I could go back in time and talk to you about what I’ve been going through instead of doing what I did!
• I was really rushing around last night, and I didn’t pay attention. I’m going to start writing it in my appointment book to make sure I remember each month

As author Steven Stosny says, “It’s never enough to feel bad about an offense; the hurt partner needs to hear reasons to feel safe in the future.”

3. Demonstration of Empathy: You need to make it as clear as possible that you really understand the pain or anxiety or mistrust that your actions have created in your partner: I realize now how hurt you feel and how hard it is for you to trust me again. I get it now—or at least I’m trying to.

You need to make sure that you have listened to your partner’s pain and that you clearly communicate the following message: I want you to know that this is NOT going to slip out of my head.

4. Behavior Change: The proof is in the pudding. All the words and all the good intentions in the world don’t mean a thing unless your partner sees, over time, that you have genuinely learned something from your mistake and that you are handling the situations differently. Maybe not 100% perfectly, but definitely better. Remember that your partner cannot possibly feel secure until she or he has observed, over time, that you have changed. Obviously, the length of time that this takes is directly related to how serious the “crime” was.

Doing It Wrong

1. Not Being Genuine: How do you like it when you hear I’m sorry you feel that way or I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings? Sometimes that might be OK, but most of the time this does not show sincere regret. In fact, it often makes your partner feel stupid for “overreacting” or being “too sensitive.” This usually does not get a passing grade as a genuine apology.

2. Crummy Body Language: Maybe the words are right, but there is no eye contact or even a hostile look. Or the tone of voice sounds sarcastic. This also fails the grade.

3. Waiting for the Perfect Moment: It is never too late to apologize. The “perfect moment” for an apology does not exist (although it’s probably best not to do it in heavy traffic or when the baby is screaming). The perfect moment to apologize is the moment you realize you’ve done something wrong, or as soon as possible thereafter.

4. Getting Defensive: (See “Non-Defensive Listening” below.) Often we listen for the part of the criticisms or anger that we don’t agree with, or some minor flaw in the person’s story of what happened, or some time when the other person treated us this way, or a reason the other person was oversensitive—anything to deflect from the simple responsibility of recognizing a mistake and apologizing for it.

5. Not Listening Carefully: Apologizing is much more than offering the words I am sorry. While these words mark the beginning, it is a process that can sometimes feel like a long-distance run. At the core of an honest and authentic apology is the ability to listen. You must be willing to sit with your partner’s anger and pain. You need to stay there long enough to really grasp the injury and to validate the feelings.

6. Expecting Immediate and Total Forgiveness: Remember commandment #5: We do not have control over any other person, but we do have control over ourselves. All you can do is give it your best and most sincere shot. Your partner may never be able to forgive you, or at least it may take a while.

7. Apologizing Too Much: Some people apologize way too much, for the smallest things, or even when they haven’t really done anything wrong. This is just plain irritating, and it’s like crying wolf. The real and significant apologies will be weakened if they distract attention from real issues.