Have you ever gotten the “yuck” on a first date? Or did you ever start off feeling very attracted to someone only to notice your brain picking them apart in the weeks that follow, leading you to cut off your interactions? Have you ever sat across from someone who you felt was challenging or having a funny reaction to you?

These are emotional reactions that are probably not fully under conscious control. Otherwise, you would probably just be amused by other people’s quirks and reactions and not “feel” any particular way about them. (And, no, I am not saying to ignore your serial killer vibes—if you get those, run away!)

In these instances, you are making decisions on whether to move forward with someone or end the interaction based on very limited data. You have input from your emotional system (data) and input from your cortex (consciously interpreting your perceptions; data). But do you know which data to pay more attention to? Sometimes the data from your emotional system might tell you, “Run away!” while the data from your cortex—”This person is hot!”—might tell you to move forward.

The important thing to note is that you get to choose which part of your brain to pay the most attention to in making interpersonal decisions: your emotional brain (the limbic system) or your conscious brain (your neocortex).

These brain systems are not totally integrated

Emotional reactions are usually triggered by present-time situations but can often be traced back to earlier life events and emotional memories already stored in your amygdala and limbic system (emotional brain). The emotions associated with those memories are activated by the situational trigger, but the trigger itself is not the cause of your emotional experience on your date.

Imagine having a memory of being a little girl. In that memory, your mom would regularly comment on your weight, clothes, and appearance with a note of disapproval and disdain. You recall that while growing up, your mom would only love and approve of you if you looked a certain way. So, here you are back in the present, a 40-year-old woman out on a first date. In what is probably a well-intentioned effort to compliment you, your dating partner comments positively on your appearance and your dress. You don’t know why, but you feel uneasy with this person after that. You are self-conscious, anxious, and a bit annoyed—and you definitely do not want to go on another date.

Imagine having the memory of being a little boy. You remember your mom regularly using you as her little confidant. She talks to you about men and views you as her emotional support partner. In an exaggerated way, she routinely tells you she loves you. She gets really emotional and cries to you. She wants to hug you when she is in these tearful states and have “closeness.” You remember feeling the “yuck” and wanting to run away. And now you are a grown man out on a date with an attractive person who seems really into you. Initially you are quite excited about this person, but as the date proceeds they get a bit emotional when talking to you about their past. Your date talks about wanting closeness and intimacy, and having a romantic partner who is also a best friend she can talk to. This person is really attractive, and you want these things too. But you just can’t get away from that feeling of “yuck,” so you pass on a second date.

The key to realize in these examples is that the dating partner did nothing wrong or even off kilter. And neither person probably realized that they triggered one of your core conflicts (non-conscious emotional memories) from childhood.

So, the trigger is in your present day adulthood, but the cause of the emotional reaction is actually in childhood. So, which piece of data—emotional or rational—do you pay more attention to? Do you view your date as a “trigger” or a “cause” of your emotional reaction to them?

Consider taking these steps:

1. Acknowledge the emotion you are feeling. Try to name it and feel it in your body as a physical experience. This will help you keep your head clear so that you can think straight in the present moment.
2. See if you can trace the feeling back to an earlier time/memory in your life. Are there any similarities to what is happening now on your date?
3. If you find “it,” you may be able to relax more on your date and not have your brain hijacked by your emotional memory/flashback.
4. Then you can decide rationally if you would like to see the person again, believing that you could not be triggered on a second date and enjoy yourself more.
5. If you are reasonably self-aware and can’t relate the present trigger to an earlier emotional memory, then maybe whatever you are perceiving should be paid more attention to.
6. Ask yourself, “What is the threat?” Your emotional system is telling you that there is something in the situation you should pay more attention to. Can you tell what it is?
7. If you can identify the thing in the present moment that is bothering you, ask yourself if it is something you can rationally override or come to terms with. If the answer is no, then you can be confident in passing on another date.

Remember: There are rarely any situations in today’s social environment that really necessitate an immediate answer. You can always take time to think about it and weigh the data (emotional vs. rational) before making a decision.

If you realize that you are getting triggered emotionally but rationally don’t want to be (i.e., you do want to move forward with someone), consider working on the actual cause of the emotional experience from your childhood. You can rewire your emotional system to not be as reactive using exposure techniques combined with restructuring your original experience with narrative techniques—and then, until it is safe to do so, don’t take your inner child with you on a date with someone it (your emotional system) doesn’t trust yet. Then, your adult rational self can still go out and enjoy a second date.