The New Year is generally a time for reflection, where we think about our lives in years past and, inevitably, the people in them. Today, we are privileged in that reconnecting with those acquaintances, childhood classmates, or former colleagues after years is not only possible, but, thanks to living in the digital age, easy to do. While reaching out to old friends can lead to genuine, meaningful renewal, sometimes, a “blast from the past” can also provoke discomfort, confusion, or emotional fatigue instead. The difference between these two responses lies not only in the content of the message of reconnection, but in the emotional awareness behind it, as well.

In psychological terms, when we reach out to someone from the past, we are offering a “bid for reconnection.” A “bid” is any gesture that seeks to initiate contact, engagement, or closeness. It can be as simple as a message, a question, or a shared memory. In the context of reconnection, a bid is an attempt to bridge a lapse in communication and re-enter someone’s life, often without context or clarity about whether such contact is welcome.

While some bids are genuine and reciprocal, others are transactional, performative, or even emotionally manipulative. If you are eager to reconnect with someone this New Year, the intent, timing, and emotional awareness will make the difference in how your bid is received.

If You Are Reaching Out: How to Make a Thoughtful Bid

Writing to an old friend after time apart requires emotional intelligence along with the acceptance that the other person may not want to re-engage, and that does not make them wrong or unkind.

Here are the key principles to follow when wanting to reconnect:

1. Acknowledge the time and distance. Instead of acting as though no time has passed, which may feel disorienting or dismissive to the recipient, saying something along the lines of “Hi, I know it’s been quite a while. I’ve thought of you recently and wanted to reach out” offers an acknowledgement and respect of the recipient’s time and experience.
2. Offer warmth, not obligation. Extend a bid for connection without assuming it will be returned. For instance, “No pressure to respond, I just wanted to send warm thoughts your way.”
3. Show a genuine interest in the other person’s life. Ask questions with sincerity, not just to segue into your own news, like “How have you been? I’d love to hear about what you’ve been up to if you feel like sharing.”
4. Reflect on your motivation. Before sending the message, ask yourself why you are reaching out, and why now. Is it because you want to connect or want to be validated, or are seeking an audience for your news and life updates? Lastly, ask yourself how you would feel if they did not respond and consider why.

If your motivation is true connection, a thoughtful bid might be:

“Hi, I know it’s been a long time since we spoke, but I came across something recently that reminded me of you. How are you? I hope you’re doing well, and I’d love to hear from you if you’d like to reconnect.”

This message respects boundaries, invites the receiver to respond rather than expecting a response, and makes space for the other person.

Common Missteps: How Not to Reconnect

Unfortunately, many bids for reconnection are made without emotional attunement: They may be framed as polite, but, in practice, they prioritize the sender’s needs. Here is what to avoid:

1. Being self-promotional. For instance, “I just launched my second business and am being featured in a magazine! It made me think of our time in business school. I hope you’re doing great too!”
2. Over-sharing about your personal life: “We just had our second child, and it’s been amazing. Two under two! Here are some photos! How’s everything with you?”
3. A casual ask in place of connection: “Hey! How are you doing? Just thought I’d say hi. By the way, is your company hiring because I’m currently looking for a new role?” If the intent is to ask about hiring, being upfront about it is much more genuine and may actually lead to reconnection.
4. Emotional downloading: “I’ve been going through a lot lately. Can we catch up on the phone sometime soon?”
5. An accusation laced with guilt: “Can you tell me what I did wrong for you to stop talking to me?” after years of mutual silence.
6. Bait-and-switching: “Hi! How are you doing? It’s been years and I was thinking of you!” Then, after a polite reply, respond with “That’s great! I was wondering since you work for a large electronics company, do you have any discounts I can use on a new computer?”

If these bids feel unsettling to read, it’s because the messages all stem from the same fundamental dynamic: they each center themselves around the sender and compel the recipient to provide some sort of emotional or professional labor. Instead of being about reconnection, the messages are about performance, validation, or leverage.

This is particularly problematic when the relationships were never especially close, the messages disregard time, context, or emotional tone, and the bids serve the sender’s needs more than the recipient’s.

If You Receive a Message: How to Assess a Bid for Reconnection

Not all messages are invitations for connection. Some are performances, others are disguised requests, and some are well-meaning but emotionally misaligned. If someone reaches out after a long absence, particularly if the relationship was not especially close, it’s worth reflecting before responding.

If you receive a message that feels off, you are not obligated to respond. Silence can be a clear, respectful boundary. However, a response without re-engaging may sound like:

“Thanks for your message. I’m not in a place to stay in touch, but I hope things continue to go well for you. Wishing you all the best.”

In the end, when done with the right motives, reconnection is about mutual willingness, respect for boundaries, and emotional honesty, with a hopeful restored closeness.

Happy bidding!