I’ve had a script running through my subconscious mind that says, “I am unworthy.” I’ve written in this space about self-esteem, but now I’d like to dig a little deeper and get more specific about how low self-esteem is formed, and what you can do about it.

I love baseball; when I was a kid, I asked my parents to let me play Little League baseball several times. Finally, when I was nine and a half years old, my father consented. By that age, most of the boys in Little League had been playing for years—especially if they started out with T-ball at age 5. The learning curve for me was steep and was going to take a lot of work, but first, I needed a glove for catching baseballs.

My father took me to the store to buy a glove. I immediately gravitated toward the best gloves—soft, supple, and already broken in. Dad, however, picked out the cheapest glove they had. The leather was hard and stiff, and when I put it on my hand, I couldn’t even squeeze the glove closed, which you have to do to catch a ball.

I Had to Earn Everything, Including Love

I pointed this out to my father, and he replied, “You just need to break it in.” I argued that I didn’t know how and that I needed a good glove in order to catch up to the skills of my peers on the team. He replied, “If you get good at baseball, I’ll buy you a better glove.” In other words: I had to earn it.

When we got home, he played catch with me. The problem was that my rock-hard glove kept me from catching balls. It was the only time he played catch with me.

My coaches advised me to apply neatsfoot oil to it, put a baseball in the pocket, and then tie it up with string overnight to coax it into its proper shape. They also told me to beat it with a baseball bat to create a hinge along which the glove would easily open and close. None of those tricks worked. My glove was so cheap that it resisted all efforts to make it bend and close. I could catch a ball with it, but I had to immediately put my other hand over it to keep it from falling out of the glove. That rarely worked, so the coach parked me out in right field, where few balls were hit. It was humiliating. After that season, I never bothered to play baseball again.

Just One of Many

This incident was, in my memory, the most egregious case of my father devaluing me and making me feel unworthy (it was so memorable that when my sons played baseball, I always bought them the very best gloves). There were many other incidents.

My father also had an unworthiness script running through his subconscious mind. He told me many times how his mother chose his twin brother as her favorite child out of four. He said she would hug his brother and tell him how much she loved him and how wonderful he was—right in front of my Dad—but she never said the same to him. He couldn’t understand why she loved his twin more than him, especially since they were identical. This affected many of his life choices.

Trauma Is Passed Down Generation to Generation

I don’t know why my grandmother chose my uncle as her golden child, but I saw how her other three children all struggled with emotional insecurities. My father passed his on to me. Generational trauma is a real thing. I’ve had limiting beliefs that I have to give more than I receive, tolerate undue criticism, undervalue my work, and accept relationships that aren’t good for me.

I recognized some of this after my divorce and started doing a lot of inner work. It’s been a journey, and only recently did I discover there are many causes of unworthiness connected to childhood: trauma, abandonment, shame, rejection, abuse, and blame, to name a few. A sense of unworthiness creates self-doubt, fear of rejection, feelings of not deserving something, insecurity, and a subconscious script that we don’t even know we’re following.

Turning unworthiness into worthiness begins with identifying (as close as possible) when you first began to feel that way. Sit with your feelings, meditate on them, and find the silence where clarity can come into your conscious mind. Find the origin of those feelings. What incidents can you recall? Next, you’ll want to recognize that what you felt as a helpless child and what you did to survive the trauma you experienced is not what you have to continue to feel as an adult.

Turn Unconscious Beliefs Into Conscious Awareness

Feelings are informational; explore them to understand what they are trying to tell you. Once you find the root causes of your feelings, you can then use critical thinking to distinguish between your emotion-based limiting beliefs and the objective truth of today’s reality.

One way you can reclaim your power is to journal. Use journaling to reframe the stories you tell yourself. As an example, I go back to my stories (like the one I shared above) and relive them in my imagination, but in these versions, I stand up for myself and demand to be treated better. In my new stories, I no longer judge myself negatively; instead, I replace shame and rejection with compassion and acceptance.

These exercises can strengthen your resolve that you are worthy. Next, practice it in real life. You’ll find that you’ll no longer accept less than you deserve. You’ll get paid what you’re worth. You will demand respect, and if it’s not given, you will eliminate those people from your life and find those who do.

When you believe you are worthy, people will treat you better, and you’ll have less anxiety about handling change and trying new things. The first step is recognizing the feeling of discomfort or fear that is holding you back from doing—or just trying—something that looks like it might be fun, profitable, or interesting.

In conclusion, begin unburdening yourself from unworthiness today by feeling your feelings instead of ignoring them. Trace their roots and identify their origins with meditation and journaling. Do inner child work by reframing your stories with positive endings. And finally, choose to be around caring, supportive, and accepting people instead of unkind, judgmental, and abusive people in both your career and your relationships.