Most people assume that rejection by a potential romantic partner is far more painful than rejection by a prospective friend. However, new research published in the European Journal of Social Psychology suggests that, when rejection is actually experienced, the emotional impact is remarkably similar regardless of whether it comes from a romantic or a platonic source.

Romantic rejection is often seen as uniquely devastating, in part because modern societies place heavy emotional expectations on romantic relationships. However, researchers have long noted that humans are broadly motivated by a fundamental need for belonging. Social rejection tends to hurt across all contexts because it threatens shared psychological needs, such as feeling valued, in control, and meaningful.

What has been less clear is whether rejection by a potential romantic partner is more painful than rejection in a friendship context. Given the intense expectations placed on romantic relationships—which are often expected to fulfill a wide range of emotional and personal needs—it has seemed plausible that being denied such a relationship would be especially distressing.

To examine these assumptions, researchers conducted three related studies. In the first, 1,500 American adults were asked which type of rejection they believed would be more painful: being turned down by a potential romantic partner or by a potential friend. The responses largely reflected common intuitions: approximately half expected romantic rejection to be worse, compared with roughly a quarter who anticipated greater pain from platonic rejection, while the remaining participants believed both would be equally distressing.

Led by Natasha R. Wood of Leiden University in the Netherlands, the team then tested real‑time responses to rejection in a controlled experimental setting. In Study 2, 934 single adults aged 18 to 29 (57.9% women; average age 23.4) were randomly assigned to one of four conditions: accepted or rejected by either a potential romantic partner or a potential platonic friend.

Participants engaged with a simulated app environment, designed to resemble dating or social networking platforms, and received either positive or negative feedback from profiles purportedly representing other users. Afterward, they reported how they felt across a range of measures capturing their sense of belonging, self-worth, and emotional wellbeing.

The researchers found that rejection reliably reduced wellbeing, and acceptance reliably enhanced it, but the type of relationship framing—romantic versus platonic—had no effect on emotional outcomes. The team also tested whether feelings of romantic instrumentality (seeing a partner as someone who would help you achieve more of your goals in life) or self-blame might explain any romantic-versus-platonic difference in pain. Neither emerged as a meaningful driver.

In a third study involving 477 participants (73.6% women; average age 20.3), predicted emotional reactions were compared with actual emotional experiences. The researchers also added a “stranger control” group, in which participants were told there was no expectation of forming a relationship of any kind.

Participants were asked to forecast how they would feel before receiving feedback, then report how they felt afterward. Once again, relationship type did not meaningfully influence emotional responses; rejection by a stranger hurt just as much as rejection by a potential date. Furthermore, participants consistently overestimated the intensity of both outcomes, particularly the pain of rejection.

Wood and colleagues put it simply: “It seems the experience of being accepted is so positive and the experience of being rejected is so negative that it does not matter who is doing so.”

There are, however, important caveats to keep in mind. For example, the study was conducted exclusively with American participants, which limits how far the findings can be generalised across different cultures where romantic and platonic relationships may be valued differently. Furthermore, the simulated app environment may not perfectly capture the intense emotions of an in-person rejection.

The study, “What Could Have Been: Predicted and Actual Exclusion by Potential Romantic Partners and Platonic Friends,” was authored by Natasha R. Wood, Sydney G. Wicks, Adam J. Beam, Elijah P. Mudryk, Ellie Bray, and Andrew H. Hales.