For many individuals living with body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) like trichotillomania (hair pulling) or excoriation (skin picking), life often feels like a constant struggle. Each morning begins with a vow that today will be the day the BFRB stops forever, only for them to find themselves locked once again in a grueling battle against an urge that feels far more powerful than their own resolve.

In clinical practice, we often see clients trapped in a punishing cycle of experiential avoidance. They seek help to “stop the behavior,” viewing their internal urges as enemies that must be wrestled into submission. They operate under the exhausting belief that if they could only pull hard enough on the rope of willpower, they would finally win. But BFRBs thrive on the tension of that very struggle. What if the “win” isn’t found in pulling harder? What if the path to thriving begins the moment you stop the tug-of-war altogether?

This exercise, adapted from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), invites a radical shift in perspective, moving the goal from the impossible task of total control to the transformative power of willingness.

The Tug-of-War With Your BFRB Monster

Read through this script slowly. Allow yourself to imagine feeling the tension of the rope in your hands.

Imagine you’re standing in an open field, holding a rope.

At the other end of that rope is a monster.

This monster represents everything you’ve been fighting inside your BFRB—the urges, the sensations, the thoughts like “Why can’t I stop?”, the shame, the pressure to control it, the fear of what might happen if you don’t.

Let the image form. What does your BFRB monster look like?

Its size, shape, expression, and energy

Now, picture that between you and the monster is a deep pit.

You absolutely don’t want to get pulled into that pit.

The pit can represent whatever feels scary or unacceptable: losing control, visible damage, someone noticing, feeling ashamed, the behavior getting worse.

So here you are, in a tug-of-war with this monster.

It pulls… and you pull back.

You’re fighting hard not to get dragged into that pit.

This tugging might look familiar:

Trying to suppress urges

Trying to rely on willpower

Trying to hide the behavior

Trying to avoid triggers

Trying to “be stronger or try harder” than the sensations

And the monster?

It pulls back every time.

It doesn’t get tired.

It doesn’t give up.

If anything, the more you fight, the more forcefully it yanks the rope.

Notice what it feels like in your body to imagine this struggle.

The tension, the pressure, the frustration, the exhaustion.

This constant battle can feel endless.

Now, pause for a moment and imagine something different.

What would happen if you simply dropped the rope?

Not as giving up… but as stepping out of the fight.

Picture loosening your grip… letting the rope fall from your hands… and stepping back.

The monster is still there…

Your urges may still show up.

Your sensations may still buzz, or itch, or tingle.

The thoughts may still whisper.

But without you pulling on the rope,

The monster has nothing to drag you around with.

It can’t pull you into the pit anymore.

It no longer controls your movement.

Dropping the rope doesn’t make the urges disappear.

It doesn’t erase sensations or thoughts.

Those things may still show up because that’s how bodies and brains work.

But you’re no longer locked in a battle with them. Instead of fighting the monster, you’re free to turn toward what matters:

Caring for yourself

Engaging in values-based action

Using strategies that support growth, not struggle

You can walk toward the parts of life your BFRB has pulled you away from:

Connection, creativity, comfort in your own skin

Self-compassion, presence, meaningful activities

Turning Toward What Matters

Dropping the rope ends the struggle. When an individual is pulling on the rope, their entire world is reduced to the monster and the pit. They cannot drive, they cannot create, and they cannot connect with loved ones while their hands are busy struggling.

By dropping the rope, you aren’t saying the urge is gone; you are saying it is no longer the boss of your movements. When you drop the rope, you acknowledge the monster is still present, but we reclaim your hands. You are choosing to use your energy to build a life you love, rather than spending your time and energy caught up in struggle.

Consider This

To move from surviving to thriving, examine where your vitality is being spent.

• What has “pulling on the rope” cost you? Is it the hours spent in front of a mirror? The social events missed? The mental static that keeps you from being present?
• What does “dropping the rope” look like for you? It might be acknowledging: “I feel an urge to pull right now. I’m going to let that rope lie on the ground while I make a cup of tea, play with my dog, or take a walk.”
• How does releasing the struggle create space for self-acceptance and self-compassion? When you stop fighting yourself, you stop being your own enemy.

By releasing the struggle, you aren’t saying the BFRB doesn’t matter. You are saying that your life matters more than this struggle. You are choosing to use your energy to build a life you love, rather than spending it all trying to defeat a monster that, for now, is just making some noise. Freedom from a BFRB doesn’t start when the urges stop. It starts the moment you realize you don’t have to pull on the rope.