Overcoming the emotional burden of putting yourself first in a new social situation or a twin conflict is often painful, stressful, and complicated when you are a twin. Both identical and fraternal twins can have difficulties not sharing, over-sharing, or taking what belongs to them. Easily giving away a cookie or a book or an answer to a math problem is a common experience that creates dependency that will need to be eliminated as twins mature. Telling your twin, “No, this is mine, not yours,” has different meanings for twins than for single children who know what truly belongs to them. In addition, twins may aggressively want what their twin has and will pursue gaining possession of their twin’s “treasure.”
The difficulty in putting yourself first is in direct contrast to the popular social belief that twins are very fortunate to have each other’s companionship and deep understanding, which many people believe is truly priceless. Twins easily communicate with each other, which has good and bad consequences. For example, if your twin thinks that you are making a mistake, he or she cannot (will not) keep their opinion to themselves, because their identity is intertwined with yours. Developing individuality and learning not to give in to your twin’s neediness and begging takes a lot of time and effort.
When Disagreements Develop, Respect Your Different and Individual Beliefs
The strategy in these intertwined and confusing twin situations is to know what is yours and what belongs to your twin, or know who is in charge of making the decision you are disagreeing about. If you respect yourself and hold onto your point of view and clarity, this may help you get over your confusion and aggravation about sharing. This is no easy task, which is made harder by significant others such as parents, spouse, or siblings.
Another common problem that I hear about when consulting and that I have experienced personally is that when a twin doesn’t like what their co-twin is doing, fighting begins and may grow. My twin sister would complain to me, “Your homework looks messy. Your dress is too tight and too revealing. Don’t give another lecture; you sound too anxious and unsure of yourself. You don’t know how to use commas.” While I listened to her concerns, I was never committed to changing my behavior. And she always managed to freak me out with her latest outfit and what far-out travel adventure she had to take to India and Vietnam.
“Why can’t we have a nice, quiet, special dinner together?” is another twin relationship concern that causes disagreement and fighting and disturbs the whole family. Twin fighting at family events is hard to understand. However, if you have attended a twin family dinner party, then you will be able to relate to what I am saying. Pressure from outsiders does not seem to work, as the intensity of their twin conflict, which may be over french fries or chocolate chip cookies, is more important than trying to preserve ordinary civilized behavior. Some aspects of twin fighting can be hidden, but never abandoned, by two twins who cannot agree on an outcome. “Are we having chocolate or carrot birthday cake?” is a topic of utmost importance that is very difficult to settle peacefully. Having two different cakes is a possibility, but it does not cover up the lack of a twin’s ability to compromise, which can last a lifetime.
Which Twin Are You?
Sharing is a problem that is related to the individuality of each twin. I believe sharing is related to the desire to be copies of each other. The development of a strong individual identity really is necessary if twins want to live separate lives and share some harmonious times together later in life. Appropriate parenting is the most valuable way to help twins want to be different individuals and to feel normal or OK being themselves. Education about the development of twin identity is extremely useful and is now available in many books about how to parent twins. The effort that goes into seeing each twin as different and special takes a remarkable amount of time and patience that will pay off later in life. Twins who know they are different and feel comfortable being themselves have an easier time sharing and caring about each other because competition is less important. Family events will be more harmonious if twin anger and resentment are diffused.
Conclusions: Helping Twins Feel Comfortable Being Special and Different From Each Other Promotes Self-Esteem and Their Ability to Cooperate
Parents who can encourage and develop unique personalities in their twins are most successful in creating a twin relationship that is at times harmonious and sturdy. Fighting diminishes when there is respect and understanding between twins. Estrangement is more likely to be avoided when individualism is respected.
Not showing favoritism is a way to create love and understanding. While encouraging differences is also helpful, the opposite is true. Parental favoritism creates competition, fighting, and out-of-control anger. Twin confusion over who makes a decision because of favoritism diminishes the strength of putting yourself first.
Ask yourself, “Am I treating Twin A as an individual or am I showing favoritism?” You will find the answer in your heart and mind.
Sometimes focusing on individuality and cooperation is impossible because twins see fighting as a way to solve a problem. You can only try your best. A robotic approach to stopping fighting and encouraging full-time harmony and sharing is sure to fail.
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
Things to Do
- Encourage individual development.
- Do not encourage twin similarities.
- Use language and examples to show twins how they are individuals.
- Lead twins toward their own interests.
- Help twins feel proud about being an individual and proud about the special part of being a twin.