As August concludes, many young people lament the return to another school year. Amidst readying themselves for the academic pressures of high school or college, they must also prepare for what tends to be a social shuffling of sorts, with new alliances, proximate friendships, and budding or broken romances. Whether they are extroverts ready to dive in or socially reticent, navigating a dynamic social landscape can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster.

For caring adults who love and feel invested in their kids’ well-being, it is hard to be a passive observer. There are ways parents can play a supportive role without riding the coaster alongside them.

Developmental Considerations

For parents of younger teens, observe their social interactions, both in person and online. Allow them to take their own steps to build strong social connections or avert negative peer influences. Practicing independently with parents close by sets them up for the next stage.

As teens get older, parents observe fewer of their social interactions. By then, you want your teen to feel comfortable coming to you for support or guidance when there are relational snags—and there will be. When teens can trust adults to honor their autonomy, they are more likely to engage in thoughtful discussions and value adult guidance.

For young adults, parents and other caring adults become sounding boards, helping them to reflect on their values and priorities so they can align their relationships with what feels truly meaningful for them.

Know Your Teen’s Temperament

We may expect that all young people are dying to ditch their parents and be with their friends, though not all teens are wired to socialize in the same way or at the same pace as others. These fixed qualities do not mean they cannot learn to practice skills for which they are less inclined. It just means those skills may feel more effortful.

Whether your teen is a hesitant introvert or ravenous social extrovert, finding what motivates them can help encourage learning skills outside their comfort zones. Engaging with peers in the context of a particular interest, learning a new skill, or pursuing future post-high-school aspirations can inspire social reticence. Remind socially active teens that their plans may be contingent on tending to other responsibilities and commitments, such as academics and family time. Help them achieve their goals to get along in the world while staying true to their authentic needs.

Be Kind to Their Pack

Whether you like their friends or are skeptical, adolescent social culture is complex, and your teen’s motivations for different friendships may be hard to understand. Given that they spend six hours a day, five days a week out of your sight and with their peers, they are going to connect with these friends with or without your endorsement.

Welcoming teens into your home and showing kindness, generosity (food), and warmth gives you a front-row glimpse into your teen’s social world. Offering to drive to or from events when the whole pack piles in your car can be a treasure trove of dish. These gestures are incredibly valuable and will serve you well when you have future opportunities for meaningful conversation and to offer guidance.

Be careful not to badmouth their friends or express judgments; it sends a signal not to share in the future. It may also motivate them to engage with that friend out of sight, leaving a blind spot for parents.

Highlight Respect

To teach and expect respect, it must be given. We want our young people to be treated with respect by peers and to assert their own limits when they are not feeling respected. Model this with them and their peer group, no matter how disagreeable a particular peer may be. It may actually allow for more open lines of communication when parents are worried.

Barring a relationship in which there may be severe verbal or any physical abuse, try to allow your teen to play that relationship to its authentic end while you are there to support them. Their own experiences are most powerful to shape their future decisions and find those relationships they can truly value.

Be Real With Concerns

When things go wrong, support may initially be best delivered with a calm, compassionate presence. This will require a heavy-lift parenting tool: urge resisting. When teens hurt, parental protective instincts kick in. Be there for them and, when they are receptive, start with questions to assess how they feel and what they are thinking about the situation, such as, “That is a really hard situation. Have you thought about how you want to handle it?”

This is a great way to lead into a conversation where you may be able to offer ideas if they are not sure how to respond or what they want to do, like a menu of relational options from which they can choose, combine, or identify a “special order” response they may not otherwise have thought of. When autonomy is respected, teens tend to be more open to hearing parents’ honest concerns. Be sure to follow up with interest in how the situation resolves.

If there are situations that pose a threat, are developmentally inappropriate, or are at odds with family values, asserting honest limits may be needed. Limits defined by respecting how teens feel about that limit, offering alternative, appropriate options while holding the line, can grease the wheels for compliance. Be sure any limits asserted have a reasonable consequence that can realistically be applied if crossed. Empty or inconsistent threats can reinforce distrust.

Accept Their Choices

Parents will not agree with every choice that young people make. When these choices are differences in preference, such as signing up for a different class than recommended, spending time with a questionable romantic interest, or deciding not to pursue a previous extracurricular activity, it is appropriate for parents to weigh in with their perspectives while ultimately accepting their teen’s choice.

Remember that acceptance is acknowledging what is, not endorsement or agreement. When adolescents feel the power of their choices and parents allow enough space for them to evaluate those choices based on their experiences, rather than make choices to prove their parents wrong, teens learn to make decisions that align with their core values and long-term goals.

Be Available

Be available to drive them, help them with homework, listen, offer a comforting snack, or hear about something that happened that day, even when it’s a frantic call from college. This usually happens late at night when parents are exhausted—listen anyway.

Have a code word they can text you when they want you to call and rescue them from an uncomfortable situation. Make it known that you will pick them up any time of night, from any place, if they feel unsafe or need to come home—no questions asked until the next day.

Above all else, and no matter the circumstances, make it clear to your adolescent over and over that you are there for them. In the end, who do you want your teen or young adult to come to in their most difficult moments?