One skill I have studied over the course of my 30-year career as a trial lawyer is the art of inquiry. From initial client meetings to preliminary investigation to cross-examination, good information flows from strategic, thoughtful questioning. The same principle is true when building personal relationships. Although the topics will be different, the dynamic is the same: Good conversation sparks chemistry.

Conversation Topics Matter

When you meet someone new, you build a sense of connection through factors such as mutual attention, shared interests, authenticity, and respect. Yet, enjoyable conversation requires pre-planning in terms of topics, optics, and physical comfort.

I have previously written about the value of conversation in building relationships. But what do you talk about? Especially at a social event where mingling is expected, the goal is to ask about something another party guest would enjoy discussing, like what is on their bucket list and why. Learning whether someone is excited to go ziplining, cave exploring, or skydiving also tells you something about their plans and personality, and provides good information for follow-up questions, having identified a topic they are passionate about. Another winning topic in any social situation is someone’s children—just make sure to budget time for them to proudly narrate their entire cellular phone photo roll. They will love you for asking.

Looking like a good conversation partner is important, too. Wearing comfortable clothing to feel at ease, sharing a genuine smile, and displaying relaxed and open body language will put both you and your conversation partner at ease. Initial questions might explore someone’s background, interests, or occupation, avoiding anything too personal or overly invasive—such as the details of their personal life or last breakup.

Communal Behavior Cultivates Friendship

Research corroborates the value of warm, friendly behavior upon first meeting. M. Dufner and S. Krause (2023) examined the effects of communal and agentic behavior on popularity and liking during initial encounters.[i] They examined two different types of liking: popularity, defined as being generally liked, and unique liking, defined as distinctive liking by specific interaction partners. Their study involved video-recorded conversations by previously unacquainted dyads, who afterward provided ratings of liking. They had trained observers rate participant behaviors according to four agentic behaviors (leading, dominant, confident, boastful) and four communal behaviors (polite, benevolent, warm, friendly). Dufner and Krause found that participants who displayed both agentic and communal behavior were popular (generally liked), although higher levels of communal behavior during an interaction predicted unique liking by their partner. They explain that unique liking was produced through uniquely behaving communally toward a specific person, which supports the important role that communal behavior plays in developing friendships.

Dufner and Krause conclude that if people want to be popular, they should display a mixture of high agentic and high communal behavior, but if they want to win a specific individual as a friend, communal behavior is more important.

Beyond Small Talk: The Value of Listening

You took the time to cultivate the perfect party questions and asked them artfully and authentically. Now, it’s time to listen, so you can follow up on what you hear. Learning that someone is training for their first marathon will yield different follow-up questions than learning that someone is house training a new puppy. Simple questions exploring the evolution of someone’s passions, what they hope to accomplish this year, or even foundational questions such as “How did you get into that field of work?” or “What motivated you to decide to train for that sport?” open up avenues of positive, enjoyable communication.

Listening carefully to accurately process and interpret what you hear will also allow you to make wise choices in life and love, depending on where the conversation leads. Because taking these easy steps makes your conversation partner feel heard, important, and respected, which will lead them to form an attractive, quality impression of you.