Co-authored by Galit Romanelli

2.20.2019. The night before the Tel Aviv Marathon, my wife Galit and I had a huge fight.

She felt I was irresponsible. That timing of the race was bad and I would be exhausted and not present for the weekend with the kids before going away on a business trip. I felt like she was suddenly changing our arrangement.

We moved between talking and not talking. Between being insulted and hurting each other.

She asked me to cancel the marathon. I said no. I said “Galit, this marathon is more important to me right now than your request.” We woke up at 4:30 the following morning and drove to the race. In that drive I felt so alone. Galit was running a 10k. I was running the full marathon. And away I went.

Kilometer 1

As I started running, all I could think about was how alone I felt. I was moving between feeling sorry for myself and being angry at my wife. Feeling sorry for myself and being angry. Over and over. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

Kilometer 21: The only way around is through

I realized that I wasn’t letting everything through. I was trying to regulate. I was locked. In real life, we go through all kinds of emotions. Only when you go through the extreme of anger do you reach the next level, which could be laughter or helplessness. But you have to go through all of them. You have to feel them all the way to the edges.

In couples therapy we talk about thunderstorms and turtles. Thunderstorms express anger completely, from head to toe. Turtles, the second it gets hot, stick their head back in. Galit is a thunderstorm. I’m a turtle.

So at kilometer 21, I let it go. I went through both extremes. The victim. The persecutor. All of it. The only way around is through.

Kilometer 25: I really hate you. And I really love you.

Somewhere around kilometer 25, a new realization came up: I really hate you, Galit. I really do. But I also really love you. And I can only love you if I hate you, and I hate you if I love you. The person who loves me so much can also hurt me so much. You know exactly where to push. You’re killing me softly. But you’re also freeing me.

I’ve said it a zillion times to a zillion people. You only hurt the ones you love. The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s apathy. Hate and love are the same energy in a different color.

Only when I let myself fully feel the hate did my heart open. It opened from the depth of hate. She can hurt me so deeply only because she knows me so intimately. She knows all the little twists and turns of my heart, my mind, my body, my soul. Not because she’s evil. We all have a bit of normal marital sadism. But also just by being there. By being a different person who dares to live next to me. Who dares to challenge me. Who dares to demand that I be a separate human being.

I was moving between laughing and crying.

Kilometer 32: The wall

Then I hit the wall. Kilometer 32.

The wall is the hardest part of the marathon. You have nothing left. You just want to walk or stop altogether. This is the metaphor for that part in a relationship when you give up and feel helpless. This is the darkest hour before the dawn.

Many of us stop at the wall. We make dramatic decisions. We slam the door. We go sleep at our parents’ house. We decide to get a divorce. We hit the wall and act like it’s permanent.

But in the marathon you have no other option. If you quit when you hit the wall, you will never finish. You will never know what is on the other side. This was my second marathon. I knew the wall would end. Sooner or later.

Kilometer 35: Am I going to quit?

Still in the wall, I asked myself: am I going to quit? Am I going to quit this relationship? Am I going to quit my growth? I’ve come so far. No. I’m not going to quit

There were young children all along the route. Every time I saw a child I high-fived them, imagining those were my kids. And I realized our kids are the ones cheering us on this journey. They believe we are not stuck in our ways. Don’t give up.

The last 200 meters

How am I going to end this race? Will I forgive her? Will I thank her for daring to love me? Will I punish her for hating me and loving me at the same time?

I just went for it. Everything came together. The exhaustion, the anger, the anguish, the victory, the realizations, the crowd, the adrenaline. It all crashed together as I rushed toward the end. And it was clear to me that when I saw her, I was going to tell her everything.

When Galit and I sat down to eat and rest, we were both very happy that the whole thing had happened. Because we went through hell and back.

In order to grow and succeed in the race to intimacy, you are going to have to go through everything. Surrender to the pain. Allow yourself to really hate and really love your partner. Hit the wall. Dare to forgive the people who love you for wanting more.

You might end up a bit sore. You won’t be able to walk for a few days. But the satisfaction will not only last a lifetime, it will be your relational legacy for your kids.

Watch my full, raw video diary from the 2019 Tel Aviv Marathon here.

Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, Ph.D. candidate, and co-director of The Potential State.