An increasing number of people are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), sometimes both at the same time (AuDHD). This has become so common that people who are trying to destigmatize such neurodiversity have crafted new words to describe the population of folks with varied thought and processing differences. Rather than disabled or disordered, some people prefer to refer to others and themselves as neurospicy.
This rise in diagnosis does not necessarily mean that more people have autism or ADHD today than in years past. Instead, lack of awareness in previous decades meant that this range of diversity went undiagnosed for many people, especially women. Increasing knowledge has led to a significant uptick in diagnosis among adults, and especially Millennials and Gen Z. Sometimes adults who bring in their children for diagnosis also find themselves matching many of the diagnostic criteria and realize later in life that they too have autism, ADHD, or sometimes both.
Neurospicy folks share some common traits when it comes to sexuality and gender, some of which I explored in a blog on BDSM and neurospicy folks. Many people with ADHD and/or autism find the intricacies of social rules and expectations to be confounding rather than obvious or commonsensical. Exposing conventional expectations as socially constructed means that many neurospicy folks feel less bound by these apparently random rules that masquerade as inevitable but are in fact made up. On the positive side, seeing through the veneer of social expectations grants neurospicy folks significant freedom to be authentic and consider their own needs and boundaries. On the challenging side, being rejected and shamed for neurospicy behaviors or ideas can push many people with autism or ADHD to mask their true responses and attempt to conceal their diversity behind a façade of neurotypical behaviors. One of the ways in which this conundrum expresses itself is via sexuality and sexual relationships.
If you are neurospicy yourself, love someone who is, or provide mental health care for folks in this category, it can be important to understand some of the social differences that shape sexual interactions and behaviors for neurospicy people.
Sex and Relationship Issues for Neurospicy People
While many people in general have alexithymia — which is difficulty identifying or communicating emotions — it is especially common among people with ADHD and autism. This can unfortunately lead to misunderstandings among partners who are hoping to connect on a deep emotional level — especially if one of them is neurospicy and another is neurotypical. Neurotypical partners can benefit significantly from understanding the neurospicy person’s perspective on the world, and it can help them to understand when the neurospicy partner does something that might seem initially nonsensical. It is likely that the neurospicy person has already been attempting to understand the neurotypical people around them, even before they engaged in a romantic relationship.
Even in relationships where everyone is neurotypical, communication can be challenging. Add a mismatch in neurotype and opportunities to miscommunicate abound. For example, people with ADHD can be impulsive and find tracking daily tasks or details to be difficult. Remembering to use birth control correctly (such as taking birth control pills at the same time every day) can be a challenge for neurospicy folks who end up having a higher rate of unplanned pregnancy.
ADHDers have higher levels of hypersexuality and problematic pornography use, and report more relationship issues like affairs/infidelity and divorce. Their frequent difficulty with transitions (a common issue for neurospicy folks) can include sexual transitions as well, and attention problems can translate to either/both distraction during sex and/or hyperfocus that leads to low or absent sexual desire or hypersexuality. Even though they may crave sexual novelty and intensity, neurospicy folks might also have sensory issues that make engaging in new and/or intense interactions kind of tricky for them.
Neurospicy folks frequently experience intense emotional reactions and report more sexual distress and dysfunction than neurotypical people do. These challenges also operate in neurospicy folks’ daily lives outside of sexuality and can sometimes lead to fear of intimacy and social masking to blend in with neurotypical society. Fear of intimacy can be especially daunting in romantic relationships where masking can be difficult to sustain when spending a lot of time together. Collectively, these issues can create challenges with partners who feel hurt, don’t understand, or are mystified by how to handle their partner’s sudden shifts, emotional moods, or impulsive actions.
Neurospicy Friendly Sexuality
This is not to say that all neurospicy folks and their partners are doomed to sexual disaster. In fact, neurospicy folks can make fascinating, exciting, and adventurous partners. They can be chatty, bubbly, and charismatic people who enjoy sex and make great lovers. Some neurospicy folks report that sex can help them manage their ADHD symptoms, with “post nut clarity” (the clear mind that happens for some people after orgasm) improving focus and decreasing distractibility.
One way to make sex more genial for neurospicy folks is to communicate about it beforehand. Exploring in conversation what kind of novelty each person might enjoy can open doors to exciting experimentation. Partners can also discuss various forms of sensory stimulation to find out what types feel good and what is overstimulating. Ideally, these conversations would include not only the kinds of touch that are stimulating in a pleasant way, but also the sights, smells, tastes, and other sorts of tactile interactions that can shape a sexual encounter. Finally, making a sex plan can help to alleviate anxiety for everyone involved. Talking about how to get started, what to do during sexual interactions if things start to feel off, and how to end the interaction on a positive note can set the stage for a more satisfying sexual session. Identifying things like code words to express a large cluster of connected feelings or signals to help modulate the pace of action allows people to communicate without disrupting the flow. Letting a partner know if it is important to cuddle after having sex can keep them from getting up to wander away and inadvertantly hurting their lover’s feelings. With care and conversation, sexuality can be great for neurospicy folks and the people who love them!