During a negotiation coaching session, my client “Julie” paused.
Julie wanted to feel valued and respected in the workplace—and knew for a fact that she was underpaid compared to her colleagues.
But she didn’t want to ask for a raise.
“I’m fine,” said Julie. “I can make do on my current salary. There are so many people who need money more than I do.”
I reminded her that she deserves to be paid for her work, just like her colleagues do. Not because she desperately needs money, but because it’s fair.
“I know,” she said, “but I feel greedy asking for more.”
The spectrum of psychological entitlement
Psychological research on entitlement began in studies of narcissism. Narcissists tend to have high levels of entitlement. They are likely to believe they are inherently better and more deserving than others, and that rules don’t apply to them. In the workplace, a person with high entitlement might demand an unearned promotion or become angry at valid criticism of their performance.
On the other end of the spectrum, people with excessively low levels of entitlement believe they are inherently less deserving than others—not because they are bad people, but because their role is to elevate the well-being of others above their own. Rules apply to them, but they may feel unwilling to take advantage of benefits even when earned. Julie, who protested that she did not deserve fair wages, falls into this category.
In the middle, people with a healthy level of entitlement believe that they and others are equally deserving. Rewards or punishments depend primarily on a person’s actions, not their inherent deservingness.
Low entitlement becomes a problem when you accept unfair situations
High levels of entitlement are generally seen as negative, leading to antisocial behavior like selfishness and vindictiveness.
Low levels of entitlement, on the other hand, can lead to prosocial behavior like sharing and gratitude. This part is good. But excessively low entitlement becomes a problem when you accept unfairness.
If you find yourself accepting situations that you would view as unfair for others, consider whether you should be more entitled.
Example: Barbara versus the PTA
In the movie Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret, preteen Margaret navigates friend drama while her mother, Barbara, faces the demands of the Parent-Teacher Association.
Barbara intends to pursue her art career. But instead of painting, she accepts a series of increasingly thankless PTA tasks, like hand-cutting hundreds of fabric stars to decorate the gym ceiling.
Barbara sacrifices her creative and professional goals not because she sincerely believes it is the right thing to do, but because she believes it is what she deserves. As a suburban mother, her job should be to help the PTA, not to pursue her own goals.
If Barbara counseled a friend in the same situation, she would probably tell her, “Your needs matter. Your talent matters. Spend your time doing what you care about.” But when it comes to herself, she does not feel entitled to prioritize her personal goals over the group’s demands.
Later, when Barbara is forced to stand up for her daughter’s needs, she understands that her own needs matter too. In a moment of triumph over the PTA, she declines the honor of chairing a committee—and when pressed for an answer, she says, “Because I don’t want to!”
Three ways to be like Barbara
If you have a tendency to put others’ needs before your own, even in situations that may result in harm or unfairness to you, try these techniques.
- What would you tell a friend? Imagine how you would counsel someone you care about. Would you tell them to take the same course of action you are considering—and if not, why not?
- Seek outside perspectives. Ask trusted advisors about your situation. Notice if your reaction to their advice is “I can’t,” and consider whether you feel less deserving than others in the same situation.
- Think of the greater good. Julie was ready to accept a lower salary than her colleagues doing the same job. Barbara took on far more than her share of work at the PTA. While their self-sacrifice may have felt noble to them, it actually perpetuated existing injustices. If Julie insisted on fair pay and Barbara insisted on fair distribution of work, it wouldn’t just help them—it would help lead to a more just and equal world for all of us.