Relationships are voluntary. Acceptance or rejection are self-chosen personal processes that generate affect states such as liking or disliking, trust or distrust, sincerity or insincerity, and the potential for voluntary relational engagement or disengagement. None of these can be externally coerced. This is not a limitation of individuals or societies but a universal feature of human consciousness and the structure of all relationships (Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Deci & Ryan, 2000; Heinämaa, 2020; Korsgaard, 1989; Pietromonaco & Barrett, 1997).

This universality begins before consciousness emerges. Human beings are born with biological, neurobiological, and neuromuscular systems that develop to discriminate among survival-relevant stimuli. Newborns show unlearned reactions to sweetness and bitterness (visible in facial expressions and physiological changes), demonstrating sensory evaluation at birth.

Early sensory judgements are biologically established and active from the first moments of life. These innate responses are part of holistic, biologically developing systems that guide early orientation towards comfort, safety, and caregiving, long before consciousness and complex cognitive learning are established (Blass & Watt, 1999; Bowlby, 1982; Rosenstein & Oster, 1988).

Ongoing biological, neurobiological, and holistic neuromuscular development, together with associated consciousness and cognitive development, is fundamental to meeting holistic biological, neurobiological, and neuromuscular requirements. This includes, but is not limited to, spatial awareness, social awareness, and physical sensory responses to environmental stimuli.

These holistic biological developments present both conscious and subconscious judgment potentials that mature to the point where personal, social, and environmental circumstances can be processed automatically, enabling coherent, safe, and successful navigation of personal and social environments. Without these biological, neurobiological, neuromuscular, and consciousness-related automatic judgements, people could not avoid or detect danger (Bargh & Chartrand, 1999; Hasher & Zacks, 1984).

The Normal Distribution Curve

The same biological and conscious reality applies to social perceptions. For example, as we enter a large conference auditorium, our mind instantly makes countless small judgments outside our awareness while we also consciously look for a seat. The others in the auditorium are undergoing a similar process. Now that we have entered the auditorium, a few people (who may be looking at us) might have an immediate positive response. What has now taken place, without our knowledge or awareness, is that acceptance has occurred.

At the same time, a few others (who may also look at us) may have an immediate negative response. Again, without our knowledge or awareness, this time rejection has occurred. At the same time, the majority of people will not look and have no reaction at all. This is the Normal Distribution Bell Curve in action.

This natural variation in first reactions is not personal or social failure. It reflects a neurobiological, consciousness-linked feature of the universal human condition. People differ in what they notice, how they interpret others, and the feelings that arise in every form of contact, which always involves acceptance or rejection (Gosling et al., 2002; Kenrick & Funder, 1988; McDonald, 2014; Srivastava et al., 2003).

Yes and No are Universal

Acceptance usually involves a positive response, which may involve the word “yes.” The word “no” is usually associated with rejection. When someone says “no,” they are not violating any “mystical” or social rule or committing an injustice. They are exercising the same universal human agency we all rely on daily, of which the utterances “yes” or “no” are taking place.

At the same time, no one is required to like, talk to, listen to, or accept another’s opinions or social advances. These are universal truths of individual agency, in which acceptance or rejection may occur, and neither outcome involves blame (Deci & Ryan, 2000; Heinämaa, 2020; Korsgaard, 1989; Leary, 2015; Williams, 2007).

Grievance-Based Thinking

The literature and research indicate that acceptance and rejection are universal parts of personal and social life. However, when this universal reality—especially rejection—is misinterpreted as injustice, some individuals may begin to develop an internal process known as grievance-based thinking (Beck, 1976; Leary, 2015; Smart, Richman & Leary, 2009; Williams, 2007).

This cognitive and associated social distortion emerges when the individual with grievance‑based thinking begins to believe that every “no” is a personal insult. However, in personal and social universal terms, this is not taking place at all. The utterance of “no” is a standard presentation of another person’s agency (Hogg, 2007; Suler, 2004).

Agency is the universal human capacity to initiate action, make choices, and direct behaviour according to internally generated personal intentions, reasons, and commitments. It is not a personality trait or privilege. Agency involves the conscious ability to think, analyse, compare, contrast, and choose the action one intends to perform (Bandura, 2001; Emirbayer & Mische, 1998; Hitlin & Elder, 2007; Ryan & Deci, 2000).

When a person says “no,” they are exercising their agency—their universal capacity to choose, decline, or prioritise circumstances—in accordance with their personal intentions. This is a basic expression of autonomy. Every individual possesses the same universal cognitive and intellectual capacity to say “yes” or “no” or to agree or disagree, without fear of favour (Bandura, 2001; Emirbayer & Mische, 1998; Hitlin & Elder, 2007; Ryan & Deci, 2000).

As such, it is this misreading of another’s agency as a personal attack that is the cognitive distortion at the heart of grievance-based thinking. This shift—from observing agency to assuming malicious intent—is the pivot point at which grievance-based thinking occurs (Beck, 1976; Hogg, 2007; Leary, 2015; Smart, Richman & Leary, 2009; Suler, 2004; Williams, 2007).

However, this distorted grievance-based thinking can shift if the individual makes a positive, self-reflective, and self-initiated conscious effort to do so. From an existential and positive psychological perspective, as noted in Responsibility Theory, every individual is responsible for, and they have the power over what they think, do, say, learn, and choose (Purje, 2014).

Do No Harm

As such, when rejection is seen as a personal injustice, it is the individual interpreting this rejection as a self-perceived “injustice” who is responsible for that interpretation. As Viktor Frankl declares in Man’s Search for Meaning: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Whatever response anyone has to the word “no,” the feeling of rejection that may arise belongs to that person; it does not belong to the person who said no. If the person who feels rejected then chooses to act negatively, they are also responsible for that choice and the consequences.

As noted, rejection and acceptance are universal. Without the conscious ability to choose, humanity would not have survived. We are here because we can accept or reject anything we want. If anyone blames another for a rejection, the problem belongs to the person directing the blame. The best anyone can do for themselves and others is to do no harm and, at the same time, seek support to further develop insights, understanding, and potential.