In cases of domestic abuse, our hearts naturally (and rightfully) go out to the people who have been through it. We want to take their hand, hold them close, and support them through it.

The experience is unimaginable to many – and the impact abuse can have on friends and family is deep and devastating too.

To mark Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, we spoke to 36-year-old survivor Rosie, and her best friend, Holly, about what they went through during the five years Rosie was in an abusive relationship with the father of her two children.

“For five years, I watched my best friend of twenty years disappear slowly,” Holly says. “Seeing the person you love become a shell of themselves is a heartbreak I still can’t find the words for. I knew the beautiful, confident, hilarious, fiercely intelligent and deeply kind person I’d grown up with was still there, but she was buried beneath anxiety, isolation and survival.”

‘I was tiptoeing around a minefield’

Over the course of their five-year relationship, Rosie used her energy to try to anticipate her partner’s moods and attempt to identify a pattern of his behaviour and reactions to avoid the trigger.

“The phrase walking on eggshells is commonly used, but life was a constant tiptoe around a minefield. If I hit a landmine, I’d brace myself for impact; sometimes his reaction would come immediately, and other times the wait for it was the worst. 

“This wasn’t physical abuse at the time; this was control, fear and intimidation. That was strong enough for me to maintain compliance. He could control me with a look, or the way he moved around the house quickly and loudly, and I remember the physical intimidation if he came into a room. The physical abuse came much later in the relationship when I started to challenge his control, often occurring after I attempted to protect my children or comfort them.

“The tension he built would be so oppressive that I just wanted to apologise for something I didn’t know I was apologising for, just to clear the air and breathe again. This continued for years.

“Sometimes things didn’t look as explosive; the shouting and the name-calling became less. But I’d started to police my own behaviour, trying to avoid the punishments knowing full well what the triggers were, which controlled my movements and my everyday existence even more. It was survival.”

Isolation and manipulation

The abuse extended to ostracising Rosie from her family and friends. “My family and I are so close, but he would always try to manipulate the feelings I had towards them and isolate me from spending time with them or them coming to stay. I lived hours away from my family and friends. Again, another decision he made. 

“There were always time restrictions, limitations on when I could use the car, silent treatment in the lead-up and on the return home following spending time with friends or family. He’d call them names and would say really hurtful personal things about them to me, knowing it would upset me. 

“He always asked for a time that I would return home and if I didn’t get back on time, I would arrive home to him ignoring me, being distant or cancelling any other of the plans we made together as a family, which felt like a punishment.”

Rosie’s ex-partner also attempted to keep her from her best friend. “I confided in Holly from the very start, and he knew that. This friendship became so strained, and he was always trying to make it so difficult to see her and spend any time with her. I ended up seeing her in secret, calling her whilst at work so he didn’t know, and muting our WhatsApp conversation so he couldn’t see she had messaged me if he saw my phone light up.

“He’d find an excuse to read my WhatsApp conversations with her. At one point, her even messaging me was enraging him, so my sister called her in tears, telling her to stop in fear of his behaviour escalating and my son and I becoming unsafe.

“My best friend thought about telling me she would remove herself from my life, just to keep me safe. I’m so grateful that even in the silence, my absence and the isolation, she still stayed by my side.”

The friend’s perspective

Explaining the extent of her ex-partner’s manipulation, Rosie says: “Towards the end of 2025, he said that he didn’t feel our relationship could work whilst I was still friends with Holly.

“He said she was a ‘constant threat to our family’ and if we couldn’t work then he would tell our son that mummy’s best friend tore our family apart. But all she did was love and protect my children and I, which I am indebted to her.”

Holly shares from her point of view: “Like everyone who loves her, I wanted to drive to her house at 4 am and make it all stop. But abuse and coercive control don’t work like that: you can’t ‘save’ someone.

“I did the only thing I felt I could. I stayed. I answered her calls, listened through tears, met her in secret, and held onto her reality when she was being made to question it. I reminded her who she was before all of this and how deeply loved she was, always.”

Gemma Sherrington, CEO of Refuge, says Holly did exactly the right thing in her impossibly hard position.  

“We know firsthand that it can be incredibly difficult to know how to support a friend who is experiencing domestic abuse, particularly when intervening directly could put you or your friend at risk.

“It can also be hard to spot the signs of lesser-known forms of domestic abuse – such as coercive control and psychological abuse – but if someone is making your friend feel afraid, belittled or controlled, that is a red flag.  

“As a first step, choose a priate setting and reassure your friend that the conversation is a safe, judgment-free space where they can share their feelings and experiences. Survivors are often dismissed or made to feel that what is happening is their fault, so if it’s safe to do so, take time to truly listen to them and remind them that no one deserves to be abused.” 

Gemma adds: “Importantly, let them know they’re not alone, while also recognising that opening up can take time. Even if they’re not ready right away, positioning yourself as a supportive presence can make a big difference.”

In Holly’s case, she kept a record of everything her friend ever told her. “In January 2025, Holly sent me over 20 pages of significant incidents I had told her,” Rosie shares.

“She kept a record of everything, going back five years; she transcribed my voice notes, made notes of when I was quiet, and kept my disclosures safe until I was ready and we needed them.

“This built a timeline for the police and subsequent investigation into Coercive and Controlling behaviour and corroborated what was going on in my life and how this was from her perspective. For example, when I was quiet and didn’t contact her, I couldn’t. He would monitor and search my phone.”

Sympathising with Holly’s position, Gemma notes: “We understand that it can be distressing when a loved one is experiencing domestic abuse but know that you and your friend are not alone. You can let your friend know that Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available 24/7 for confidential support, and more information about supporting loved ones can be found online at refuge.org.uk.”

The familial impact

Rosie describes the impact the abuse had on her parents. “My dad knew that I wasn’t happy, that [my ex-partner] was controlling and he shouted and swore at me, but he didn’t know the full extent.

“My dad wanted to challenge him on it on so many occasions, but I swore him to secrecy, not out of protection for that man, but because of the consequences that would follow. My dad said he felt like he failed me, and that broke my heart.”

Rosie’s mum was aware too, but was equally powerless to help. ” I Facetimed my mum one afternoon, and she noticed bruising on my wrist. I completely dismissed it. I told my best friend about what had happened, and she drove straight to my parents in floods of tears and wanted to do something, anything to help us.”

“Bit by bit, this man was taking more of who I am and who I always was and what I dreamt of for my own life. I remember seeing a photo of myself when I was about four years old, looking so happy and I thought ‘I don’t know how that girl is now living the life I am,'” 

Testament to her strength, Rosie says of planning to leave her former partner: “I felt like I could do an extra day there with him, which turned into a week and then a month but I knew as sure as anything I couldn’t do a lifetime and that’s what it took to start preparing.

“In the days leading up to me leaving, his demeanour changed. He’d wander the house, he’d cry silently, he became quiet rather than the explosive man I was used to, and it unnerved me.

“When the day came, I hadn’t planned to leave at that very point; I just asked for a few nights at my parents’ home with my children so we could get some respite from the environment and to plan my exit.

“He wouldn’t let me; he alluded to suicide if I left him alone, which I know is a significantly concerning risk factor and the ultimate means of control to instil fear.”

The following day, Rosie was due to meet her family for lunch at a halfway point, and she let them know that he wasn’t allowing her to go back with them as she’d hoped.

“I said I felt like I was in a spider’s web, and I couldn’t get out. My dad asked me what I needed. I told him I needed a ‘magic wand’ to just pick the three of us up and get us out. He was quiet for a while and said ‘‘I’ll be your magic wand’’, turn your phone off and if you’re okay with it, I will tell him you’re not coming back.

 “I drove back to my parents’ home that day in January 2025 and I am so glad and forever grateful that it was completely taken out of my hands and ultimately out of his control.”

Making the break

It was knowing how loved she was by her friends and family that helped Rosie to remember what life could be like.

“I had an entire life preceding that relationship, knowing love to be stable, consistent and what a healthy relationship looked like, not only because my parents role modelled that, but I saw it in the way my friends loved me, and I loved them. 

“I now know that the domestic abuse I experienced was intergenerational in his family. His father perpetrated abuse, as did his Grandfather. I feel so profoundly relieved that I have broken that cycle for my children, with the help of my support network. 

“I know I have positively changed the trajectory of my children’s lives and improved so many aspects of their precious emotional well-being and development. I have protected their childhood and the three of us are such a strong and resilient team. Perhaps in the future, if someone is fortunate enough to enter our orbit, we will extend our little family, but for now I am grateful that we are happy, safe and can be free to live exactly as we should have always been able to.”

“The days and months that followed, allowed clarity, navigating a new normal and prioritising normality as much as possible for my children. People think that when abusive relationships end, the abuse stops there but I could write a whole other piece on separation and litigation abuse.

“I remember sitting in a group with other victims of domestic abuse early last year after I left, and the facilitators described certain behaviours to us. We all agreed they sounded very familiar and we had experienced all of them. We were all so shocked, and it stays with me that they advised us they were actually describing behaviours known to be used in psychological warfare.” 

‘She could finally breathe’

On the day Rosie left, Holly says: “I felt overwhelming relief because she could finally breathe. Looking back, I genuinely believe it mattered that she had her family and friends waiting for her; people who loved her unconditionally, without judgement, pressure or ultimatums.

“If I could give one piece of advice to anyone watching a friend go through this, it would be this: stay. Support them, believe them, remind them who they are, even when they can’t see it themselves. Abuse works by isolating people from the people who love them most, don’t allow that to happen.

“Love them loudly until they’re ready to find their way back to themselves. Because when they do, they’ll know they’re not alone.”

Rosie’s words hit home, too. “I hope that by writing this, it will help to address the national emergency that is violence against women and girls. I hope that part of my story resonates with readers, or someone they may know because it’s more prevalent that people think. It affects 1 in 4 women. That means for every four people reading this, this will be the story for them, their story too. I hope by writing this and sharing parts of my story will help to keep someone safe which is the most powerful tool I can give. Domestic abuse needs to be spoken about with the seriousness it demands, and this has been written with care and purpose.”

 Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 for free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A live chat service is also available from 10am to 10pm, Monday to Friday, and from 10am to 6pm on weekends. For further information and advice, visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk. For support with tech-facilitated abuse, visit www.refugetechsafety.org.