“Dr. Cheryl… my partner gets really nasty when we argue. Can you help?”

If that question hits close to home, you’re not alone. Many couples don’t think they have a “verbal abuse” problem. Because they’re not screaming. They’re not calling each other horrible names. Of course, for other couples, the screaming and name-calling are happening.

But here’s the unpleasant truth… Verbal abuse takes many forms. Whether your unkind words are a whisper or a scream, all of them cause harm. Verbal abuse can destroy your relationship, even if you’re not yelling. Subtle nastiness also creates wounds.

It’s Not Just Yelling: The Hidden Forms of Verbal Abuse

When people hear “verbal abuse,” they think of the obvious:

• Swearing
• Insults
• Threats like “I’m done” or “I want a divorce”

These overtly nasty words or threats to end the relationships are certainly damaging. I often think of that old schoolyard chant: “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.” Wow, is that ever wrong! Broken bones heal (just ask my right ankle—I’ve fractured it four times!), but word wounds can leave psychological scars that linger.

Today I also want to draw your attention to the quieter, more subtle forms of verbal abuse that can wound your partner and your relationship.

• Constant criticism or “helpful” corrections
• That sharp, impatient tone, even when the words themselves are fair
• Saying “thanks, but…”
• Bickering over small things (the death by a thousand cuts syndrome)
• Avoiding hard conversations altogether (it’s what you are not saying that is undermining you)

Or simply checking out. Your partner shares something meaningful… and you barely look up from your phone. That moment? It lands. Over time, these small disconnections add up. As you heard in the last article in this Marriage 911 series, a leading cause of divorce is “we just grew apart.”

Here’s What’s Really Going on When Communication Breaks Down: You Are Flooded

Let’s make sense of this. When arguments escalate, your nervous system gets overwhelmed. This is called DPA, or diffuse physiological arousal (i.e., being “flooded”). Adrenaline and cortisol kick your system into a fight-or-flight mode, and you are now irrational. In fact, your frontal cortex—the reasonable, consequence-anticipating part of your brain—more or less leaves the building, and your survival brain takes over.

So when you’re flooded:

• You’re not thinking clearly (you are biologically incapable of rational, fair thought)
• You say things you don’t mean (and temporarily, your reptilian brain believes them)
• You react instead of responding (throwing knee-jerk words and actions you will regret when the flood subsides)
• You go straight into old wounds and repeating patterns (does throwing emotional darts into your partner’s most sensitive issues sound familiar?)

The truth is, you’re not at your best in these moments. In fact, you are, temporarily, a cruel, frightened, tunnel-vision version of the larger, kinder, reasonable you. Temporary or not, your relationship still absorbs the impact.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

Every interaction in your relationship is doing one of two things: building connection and safety… or eroding it.

When you or your partner feels criticized, ignored, dismissed, or belittled, you stop opening up. You pull back. And this is how couples slowly become strangers. Not because love disappears… though it sure feels that way. Ugly communication creates dark clouds that cover up the shining sun of that love, so you cannot feel its warmth and protection.

The Solution: Clean Up How You Speak to Each Other

The good news? This is fixable. But it takes intention. I work with couples in my online courses to radically renovate the way they speak to each other. This is not easy, nor is it a quick fix, believe me. But with time and care, a system of wholesome, effective communication skills can be built.

Here’s where to begin:

1. Learn to Self-Regulate.

When you’re overwhelmed—pause. Step away. Calm your body. Come back when you can be upset but still respectful. This one skill alone can change everything.

2. Practice Kind Speech (Yes, Even When You’re Truly Annoyed).

This is where most couples slip. Instead of, “Hurry up, we’re late!” (unkind, sharp, scolding tone of voice), try, “Hey love, I’m feeling stressed about time—can we go?” (warm tone of voice—and yes, you may need to fake it!).

Same message. Completely different emotional impact.

3. Own It When You Blow It and Repair Quickly.

You will mess up. We all do. You will say something unkind, or critical, or hear a nasty tone in your voice, or yell. But here’s the shift. Each verbal mistake is an opportunity for what I call a “do-over.” Catch it, own it, apologize for it, and try it again.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t okay. Let me try again. I’m really frustrated that you forgot to meet the dishwasher repairperson like you promised you would.”

That moment of ownership? Of trying to communicate more skillfully? It rebuilds trust faster than almost anything else.

What Happens When You Actually Do This Work of Communication Renovation

I’ve seen couples transform a pattern of unkind communication almost entirely. Know what? I am a couples expert, and I myself struggle with this! I have a short fuse, an impatient nature, and a very expressive voice. If I am not being mindful, my voice can drip with sarcasm and criticism, and my words can cut into my sweetheart’s trust like a sharpened fish knife through a salmon.

Let me tell you about Kam and Lisa, a couple who joined my program and were stuck in loud, painful arguments. They were saying things they didn’t mean—and it was damaging their connection.

But with hard work, when they learned how to regulate their emotions, speak with kindness, and repair quickly, everything changed. They went from explosive fights to actually understanding each other. That kind of shift is possible for you, too. (You can watch their story in their own words—check the link below.)

Final Thought

Most couples don’t break up because they don’t love each other. They break up because they don’t know how to communicate safely, which gradually builds dark clouds over their love. They don’t know how to reach each other, and when they try, it sparks a new argument. If this is you, seek help.

The truth is, love isn’t enough without the skills to protect it. These skills are not intuitive, but they can be learned and mastered.

Watch this video for more: