Jarelle was in her senior year when she started dating someone outside the family faith. At first, her parents tried to get her to end the relationship, but she refused. She slowly started to draw boundaries with her parents, such as when they could visit and how long they could stay. Over time, they deflected responsibility, blaming everyone but themselves—her partner, her therapist, anyone they believed had “influenced” her. They started distancing themselves and stopped contacting her altogether.

When they didn’t visit after the birth of their first grandchild, their absence was noticeable, but it was the response from others that reinforced the pain she felt.

At first, people asked Jarelle where her parents were and whether they were planning to visit. The questions were uncomfortable, but they made sense. But once her parents cut her off completely, something changed. Instead of wondering about her parents’ absence, others began questioning Jarelle—what had happened, whether she had tried hard enough, and what she might have done to cause the distance.

Jarelle always knew her relationship with her parents was strained, but she held onto the hope that they would show up for important moments. When they didn’t, she found herself wondering if their abandonment of her was somehow her fault.

Survivors of abandonment are often blamed for what was done to them

Abandonment doesn’t only happen in childhood—it can also take the form of being cut off or rejected by family in adulthood. Yet when it happens to adults, they are often seen as easier to blame, with the assumption being that they must have caused it. If you can relate to this, keep reading.

Some of this may come from extended family, who may not realize how their statements unintentionally reinforce the behavior of the parent who left. The uncle who urges you to “see it from their perspective,” or a cousin who shouts, “But, she’s your mother!” may not realize the impact of their statement. Some may come from much closer: Siblings or other family members may report feeling “in the middle,” giving equal blame to the victim as the one who abandoned them.

Other statements may come from complete strangers, yet their words may impact you just as much. Insensitive comments online or from mutual friends can come across as blaming you for your abandonment. A social media post about “family is everything,” or a colleague suggesting, “He’s your father. Just give him a call,” shows an overall lack of understanding and lack of compassion for the situation.

Responding to others is only part of the challenge. The other part is internal: the shame, guilt, and self-doubt that can take hold after repeated questioning. Over time, it can become difficult to separate others’ assumptions from your own sense of truth.

When these moments arise, it can help to pause and notice what you’re feeling—whether that’s sadness, anger, relief, or confusion. Naming these reactions can make it easier to respond in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling like you have to defend yourself.

You might recognize thoughts like:

• “When I explain this, it makes me look like the problem.”
• “Why can’t I just have a normal family?”
• “Am I overreacting?”

Having go-to responses can help redirect misplaced blame

Many of these comments come from people who do not fully understand the impact of parental abandonment. Their statements may sting, even when they come from a well-meaning place and, perhaps, a lack of understanding.

Of course, there will be some who fully side with or defend the one who abandoned you. These are typically people who have an interest in not seeing the person as having abandoned their child. The parent who left gets a new spouse or has other children, for example, who may be engaged to do the dirty work of defending them. These, in my experience, are the most hurtful and often the most difficult to respond to. However, it may be helpful to see them as having a vested interest in masking the trauma. Unfortunately, this means they have an interest in denying the truth.

In most cases, I recommend not engaging with people who refuse to validate your experience and who choose to deny your reality. However, there may be times when you have to engage with them, such as at extended family gatherings, such as a wedding or a funeral.

For these instances, having a few prepared responses can help reduce the impact of these interactions and prevent you from internalizing misplaced blame.

Here are some I recommend:

• “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I no longer wish to blame myself for them leaving.”
• “Unfortunately, not all families are safe or supportive.”
• “I’m disappointed as well, but this was their choice.”
• “I’m focusing on the people who are here and supportive.”

Having some responses ready will not erase the pain of being blamed for your own abandonment, but it can create enough psychological distance to protect your sense of reality—and remind you that responsibility for the relationship ending does not rest with you.

This article is excerpted, in part, from my book Healing From Parental Abandonment and Neglect.