In my last post, I wrote about how common it is for former victims of child abuse to pass on the abuse they experienced to their children and/or their intimate partner. The first step toward changing your abusive behavior is to recognize it in yourself. Hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, pushing, choking or strangling, or use of a weapon to threaten are all forms of physical abuse, even if you are doing so in order to punish or teach a lesson to your children. The emotional abuse of a child or romantic partner can be more difficult to identify.

The following is a list of types of emotional abuse that a parent or an adult partner can impose on their children or their romantic partner. Be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be and put a check mark next to each type of abuse you tend to practice.

Domination

The person who tries to dominate another person has a tremendous need to have their own way and they often resort to threats in order to get it. Domineering behavior includes ordering someone around, monitoring time and activities, restricting resources (finances, telephone), restricting social activities, isolating a person from their family or friends, interfering with opportunities (job, education, medical care), excessive jealousy and possessiveness, throwing objects, threatening to harm someone, threatening to harm someone’s pets or property. While these behaviors usually describe types of emotional abuse of an adult partner, parents can also go to extremes when it comes to disciplining their children.

Verbal Assaults

Verbal assault include berating, belittling, criticizing, humiliating, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, shaming, using sarcasm in a cutting way or expressing disgust toward the person. This kind of abuse is extremely damaging to a person’s self-esteem and self-image. Just as assuredly as physical violence assaults the body, verbal abuse assaults the mind and spirit, causing wounds that are extremely difficult to heal. Yelling and screaming is not only demeaning, but frightening as well. When someone yells at us, we become afraid that he or she may also resort to physical violence.

Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming

When someone is unrelentingly critical of their children or their partner, always finding fault, never being pleased, and constantly blaming their children or their partner for everything that goes wrong, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that does the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at a person’s self-confidence and sense of self-worth, undermining any good feelings they have about themselves and about their accomplishments.

Abusive Expectations

This includes placing unreasonable demands on your children or partner. For example, expecting a child to always get straight As or to excel in sports, or expecting your partner to put everything aside in order to satisfy your needs, demanding a partner’s undivided attention, demanding frequent sex, or requiring a partner to spend all of their time with you, are all examples of abusive expectations.

Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation that occurs when one partner either consciously or unconsciously coerces the other into doing what they want by playing on their partner’s fear, guilt, or compassion. Examples of emotional blackmail include threatening to end the relationship if you don’t get what you want or rejecting or distancing yourself from your partner until they give in to your demands. If you withhold sex or affection or give your partner the silent treatment or the cold shoulder whenever you are displeased with them, threaten to find someone else, or use other fear tactics to get your partner under control, you are using the tactic of emotional blackmail.

Unpredictable Responses

This type of emotional abuse includes drastic mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts for no apparent reason as well as inconsistent responses. It also includes reacting very differently at various times to the same behavior, saying one thing one day and the opposite the next, or frequently changing one’s mind. The reason this behavior is damaging is that it causes your children or your partner to feel constantly on edge, never knowing what is expected of them. It can be extremely anxiety-provoking, causing one to feel constantly frightened, unsettled, and off balance and to feel that one must remain hypervigilant, waiting for their parent’s or their partner’s next outburst or change of mood.

Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis

Similar to unpredictable responses, this form of abuse is specifically characterized by continual upheavals and discord. If you deliberately start arguments with your partner or others or seem to be in constant conflict with others you may be what they call “addicted to drama.” Creating chaos provides excitement for some people, especially those who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their problems by focusing outward, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up with activity, and those who were raised in an environment in which harmony and peace were unknown.

Character Assassination

This involves constantly blowing someone’s mistakes out of proportion, humiliating, criticizing or making fun of someone in front of others, or discounting another person’s achievements. It can also include lying about someone in order to negatively affect others’ opinions of them or gossiping about a person’s failures and mistakes with others.

Gaslighting

This form of abuse is the use of a variety of insidious techniques to make someone doubt their perceptions, their memory, or their very sanity. Gaslighting behavior can include: denying that certain events occurred, accusing your child or your partner of saying something you know they didn’t say, or insinuating that your child or your partner is exaggerating or lying. This can be your way of trying to gain control over others or to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions.

It can be shocking to realize that you are being emotionally abusive toward your children and/or your partner. But it is highly likely that you learned these behaviors from either witnessing your parents treat one another in these ways or by being abused by your parents in these ways. This is not an excuse but it does provide you with an important explanation for your abusive behavior. In future posts, I will provide you with ways to begin the process of changing.